Greetings

I simply adore looking back on how inadequate some of my blog post are.  I'm doing well.  I'm happy.  Call me...maybe? 

Much love,
Brandon

The Saturday (actually Thursday) Post

As I was starring at a Norman Rockwell puzzle affixed to my wall today I came to the realization that blogging was not only an expression of my past, but also a part of my pastime. Aside from the clutter of a type A, obsessive compulsive, gay man, I function at a relatively high level. I would say that beyond the inability to control my food intake, I am motivated and intentional about most of the decisions I make. However, the recent realization...I'm procrastinating life because I've never been more terrified.

In a matter of hours on this glorious day in Indiana, I have managed to have 4 cups of coffee, an brilliant counseling session with a best friend, and another positive client interaction. For these things, I am grateful. However, I find myself emotionally drained from an early afternoon tea that did nothing but reiterate the fact that I'm in more denial than I thought. While confident about most things in my life, I'd say today I'm experiencing feelings of trepidation like never before.

I want a job. Obviously I want a job and want it bad. Real money sounds delicious and well deserved. However, I struggle (seriously...I have a physiological reaction to) the stress of not being a student as of 65 days from now. As terrifying or not terrifying as that may be, I cannot process that my life is about to change. I'll be completely out of control (P.s. for those that don't know...I'm a control freak), and I'll be powerless to change it...sort of. I have come to realize that adaptation takes at least a year. One must encounter culture shock, anger, fear, and happiness. These things are only just the beginning of an experience I call graduate school.

To summarize this experience would be completely unnecessary and overly dramatic as I have also learned that nothing is bland in my vocabulary. My friends think I'm outrageous and instead of deny that identity, I plan to embrace it with confidence.

Note: IM OUTRAGEOUS

With that in the back of your mind ("your" meaning that I assume there is at least one person in the world who will see this) understand that this has been the best and most challenging experience of my life. I never thought I would graduate with a masters...and since I haven't yet, let us not hold our breath. Instead lets examine the fact that in an effort to sabotage my own success, I'm lazy in applying for jobs and am holding onto a possibility in DC that probably will not pan out.

Note: IM LOST

In sort, as I become agitated while writing this...I feel like I'm traveling in an unknown direction and nothing makes sense. I'm happy. This I know to be true. I'm also scared. This could be a figment of my imagination, or it could be the result that I have to grow up, suck it up, and be the change I want to see in the world.

L,
B

Summer Recap -

While I haven't logged this experience to the best of my ability because as always, I lose motivation as I acclimate myself with the surroundings, I'm happy to say it has been a wonderful experience. I'm entering my final week at the National Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce and couldn't be more satisfied with my first ever internship experience.

Over the past 2.5 months I have developed truly amazing professional relationships. Additionally, I have made some great friends both in and out of the NGLCC. I've experienced what living in a metropolitan setting feels like, and in comparison to Indiana, I really like it. However, this summer has left me more confused and perplexed about what my next career move should be. I'll have the opportunity to come back here, and plan on working in some capacity over the next 9 months with the NGLCC. What I need to decide is how to capitalize on the final chapter of my education (final for now that is).

Learning is a life long process, but there are unspeakable things I have gathered from this experience that are difficult to articulate simply because I can't describe them. For example, there is a learned ability to deal with loneliness when you literally have nothing to satisfy your need for affection, friendship, and human interaction. I never had that issue in Indiana. If I was lonely, it was because I put myself in that situation.

I also feel more empowered to make drastic decisions. Leaving Indiana may in fact be the most difficult thing I ever do because the people I truly love...my family, my friends, my schools...it is all I have ever known. Whether happy or sad (depending how you look at it) this is an opportunity for me to capitalize on my passion and regain strength that I've lost over the past years. I never thought of myself as a pessimist, but I'm realizing just saying I'm an optimist is truly an injustice to those around me. I feel inspired here, I feel like me, I feel lost, but I'm content and more able to breath the optimism I thrive on.

Opportunity is never-ending, and for the first time I see it in front of my face rather than searching for it. This summer has changed me. I knew it would, and I'll be measuring the effects months after I leave, but I can tell you have laid a new set of tracks as an option for my journey.

I'm excited to return to Indiana refreshed. My sister always has a way of making my life seem less amazing. I'm sure she doesn't do this with negative intention, but she mentioned the other day, "get ready to come back to reality, your gay little DC life will end soon." While she has a point that this summer will end and I'll enter another chapter in my life, I refuse to accept her notion that this life will end. Where ever I end up in a year...I'll do me. I'm more comfortable in my skin, and excited for the possibility that the future holds.

I'm going to take the next week to count my blessings, breath in the extremely hot DC air, and permeate my positive attitude in our nations capital!

Cheers!

DC Independence

Good evening, Bloggers.

I hope you had an amazing fourth of July. It is my favorite holiday (mostly because my birthday follows two days later) and this year was extra special because I spent it in DC.

There is something electric about this city during political holidays. I love the energy that runs through everything, literally everything. I feel like the people are more excited, the metro runs at faster speeds, the food tastes better, and everything seems to just gel well.

Needless to say the fireworks were amazing and I had a great time meeting new people.

In other news...I'm down to the final countdown (sort of) I have 25 days left in this city, most of which are planned out and full of events. Thus I feel as though the summer is over and I'll encounter one final year of school before finally being on my own financially, and without class. The thought of that seems both terrifying and liberating. I find myself less stressed at present because 2 job offers sit on the table. Both are promising, but with 9 months till I'm on my way to full independence, how could I ever make a decision.

There are times when I doubt myself so much that I rather sleep all day. Is that depression? I try not to act scared a lot, but the truth is that I regularly fear the world around me and feel incapable of navigating through it without a safety net (e.g., my friends, family, living in Indiana, etc.)

I love DC without a doubt, but it has not been simple. Everything except my social life is perfect, and while I have been meeting people left and right, the connections I have developed are surface level. I guess that expectation is unrealistic. Coming to DC for three months and expecting a new best friend is far fetched I realize, but I do feel lonely sometimes. However, I'm not alone which is great. I've done things by myself that I never thought I would do and I'm proud to say that it regains my confidence in being self-sufficient.

The other day I walked the national mall and realized that now more than ever I have the capability of navigating my own journey. I need to get over myself and learn what true devotion feels like. I want to maintain my friendships from back at home while building new networks to support a potentially big change in my life come May 2012. I want to go sky diving, and travel, and learn more without sitting in a classroom. I want to go to a bar by myself and meet nice guys who could turn into something amazing...all in time I guess.

I should also mention that this blog is a distraction from writing my final paper for a 20 day intensive course at IU. I'm prolonging the inevitable, which means I'm rambling and for that I apologize.

Have a great week!

B

DC Redefined

It has been almost 4 weeks since I arrived here. Today the weather was disgusting...100 degrees and humid. Currently, I am sitting on the roof of my CEO's condo asking how I got to this place. While I hesitate to gush for fear of being overly dramatic, I will say this experience is interesting.

I without a doubt love the job I am doing. The time and effort needed to make this organization run as effectively as it does shows in the work ethics of the small staff it employs. Additionally, I've been offered a tentative opportunity to return to the chamber upon completion of my degree next May. While daunting, and too real, I'm afraid this could be the right place for me.

Right now I'm looking off into the distance. A storm is brewing and the city lights are shining. The things running through my mind...love, electric bills, how much I miss the familiar, but how my apprehension to explore forces me to look past the known into the unknown. It is simply beautiful and compliments my personality better than Indiana (at least at present moment).

I've met some really great people while I've been here. I've talked to an elderly Korean man who provided wisdom about health and life, a sweet British woman lost and looking for the metro, which I walked her to, and so many others that continue to redefine why I'm here. I'm not here to work for a gay cause (I mean I am that too, but there is more to this puzzle). I'm here to challenge myself to think outside the box.

I become motivated to explore the creation of a business plan. A plan that I truly feel may have sincere potential considering the job market, the organizational outreach, and my own belief in something.

While I still have yet to find a DC love, I'm enjoying the process. I've met more guys in the four weeks I've been here than I ever did in DC. That is more opportunity for me to grow relationally. I'm excited for that opportunity as time goes on.

DC is treating me well (it is harassing the shit out of my wallet though), but I don't care because in the end I know things will work out and everything will be okay.

Cheers to the amazing time I'm having!

Departure

Today will remain a historical landmark in the history of my existence. In less than an hour I will make my way to Indianapolis to depart for Washington, DC.

This summer I'll be working for the National Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce, and although I am incredibly intimidated, I remain excited for the possibility of continued self-exploration.

For the first time in my life, I will reside in a place outside of Indiana for an extended period. While many know my self-sufficient and independent attitude have taken me far, I must admit feelings of trepidation cloud my mind as I write this. I have little knowledge of working for a face-paced/8-5/corporate America position that requires a certain level of ferocity I question exists in my soul. Additionally, as much as this place bores me, it is home and what I'm used to.

While I push the students I work with to step outside of their comfort zones, I have the most difficult time accepting this sentiment for myself. It adds stress I usually avoid and overall intimidates me. However, I'm ready to be challenged in exploring more of my sexual identity in this process and as a result feel just as much liberated as scared.

DC is a beautiful place and I imagine I will continue to write about spots in the area that mean something to me. I can tell you right now that the Roosevelt Monument is my favorite at present. Somewhat of a hidden gem, this place uses water as a focal point to tell a story, a story I find relevant to any American's life in some capacity.

My journey is only beginning, and regardless the unknown, I'm thrilled to have the opportunity to explore. Stay tuned for updates on my DC adventures.

Will there be love? Heartbreak? Intrigue? Morality? ...WHO KNOWS!

L,

B

Greetings

In an attempt to remain grounded I'll only provide the most basic details. Yes, I've been gone for quite sometime, but grad school is going well.

Additionally, I've known a man for less than 48 hours and find myself completely smitten at this point. What is to become of this? Stay tuned...

B

Imagination

Someone once stated, "judgement hinder imagination"

I think about this quote often and I'm always left bewildered for some odd reason. I could not agree more with this statement because I find that all to often, humans spend more time critiquing the idea rather than exploring the many options around it.

I'm beginning to realize that my idealism is a hinderance in the groups I work in. Maybe I've become so optimistic that I truly forget to think about the implications an idea has. I'm worried of becoming jaded as a result. As I prepare to graduate in four weeks, my mind is cluttered with thoughts and revelations from the past four years, but still something feels wrong.

I never really understood what I would do after I graduated college, however I've made the decision to continue my education and I can't decide whether I truly am happy about this or terrified. Not only am I concerned about my ability to perform on a sound academic level, but I'm also terrified that I will come out of it less ready to really enter the workforce. Have I developed any real technical knowledge about legitimate professions? Stay tuned my cluster of a mess life. Although it seems to have direction, I couldn't feel more lost.

This week has only just begun and it is already just "one of those" weeks. I lost a dear classmate in an awful ATV accident on Saturday, which makes everything else on my list seem trivial. However, I'm still stressed with the completion of this seminar, and ultimately wish my choices academically this semester were different. As I prepare to leave, I feel as though I've done nothing to leave a mark and I hate that powerless feeling.

No matter what award I receive, recognition I get, or position I've held, I feel empty and I hate it. Maybe this is result of some kind of hormonal imbalance, maybe it is because I haven't seen some of the people I really need right now, or maybe it is just because I'm not ready to accept that it is once again time to move on.

I've been truly blessed throughout these past four years and looking back I'm ashamed of how I've taken so many things for granted. I wish I could say things were going to change and i would miraculously get better, but we all know that isn't the case. I want to smile and mean it...I haven't done that in like a week (minus the extreme laughter with Eric last night)...a week without a genuine smile and feeling of happiness is rare and extremely odd. I hate this place of limbo and want it to be gone.

Tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities, adventures, and obstacles...perhaps I shall just get over myself and start living these last moments to their fullest.

Thanks for reading

B

Always - Scott Alan

If there are times

That you are feeling weak

Lay next to me

I'll hold you till you fall asleep

Anytime of day

There's nothing to explain

I'm always on your side

Hold onto me

I'll steel you from the hardest days

Don't be afraid

You have me here to guide your way

For life I will be here

I will not disappear

I'm always on your side

Always....

Always....

Always....

Always....

And on my heart

I promise I will see you through

When storms appear

I'm always here to hold onto

I'll be here day and night

to help the fears subside

I'm always on your side

Anytime of day

There's nothing to explain

I'm always on your side...

** Find this on youtube...you will love it! It has touched my life!

B

OMG

Yes it has been a very long time, but when something huge happens...that moves me this much..I have to say something!

Without disclosing names, someone I have absolutely adored and completely crushed on just came out to me. Being a little older, this person is simply stunning, and although he is currently in a relationship, I can't help but wonder if we can be together someday. Everything about it is all wrong, but the following is what I know:

I have always liked him

I have always thought he was gay

I'm willing to drop everything to try

He has everything I want and more

I would have to work so hard

We would argue and get angry

He is compassionate and dreamy

OMG...I'm on cloud freaking nine right now and I can't even explain my emotions in words. I feel giddy and excited about a boy again and that is great.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHG

I wish I could act more mature about this, but have you ever bee so excited that you are going to burst at the seams? It just boggles my mind...ya know. For years I questioned myself and I was getting all the signals. His story is so interesting and he really is my kind of guy. Totally butch and sexy, but more importantly he is smart and cunning. His smile makes me melt and I can't even stand the fact that he is with someone else.

Is this something that I go for....it is more risky than anything I have ever done!! A huge process. I feel like it could be the most rewarding thing I do, even if it means securing a strong friendship.

Is this really happening.......everything I am concerned about right now just drifted away because I am genuinely happy...like oh my fucking god, balls to the freaking walls... elated about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness!!

Okay thats all...

Wow

I'm exhausted and home sick!

I'll get through this I know, but sometimes the middle just blows!

Thats all for now...

B

Hello World

So it has been a long time since my last update. I have a few things to comment on.

First off, Amanda is moving out on Saturday. Living with someone for three months is truly an experience. It is a bitter sweet moment for me because Amanda and I are friends, but have this way of just living together, but separate. I have had fun and I'm glad to be moving on from this section of my life.

I move in about a week. It is so scary to think that I have been in this place for one year working on my soul. I must say as I pack my apartment away, the unit becomes less and less mine and more dismal. I'm nervous for the future because once again I have become content in my present situation. I've lost myself in many ways this year including love and right now...at this very moment....I feel fine. I'm happy and content with most things.

I have made a minor decision that I want to share with those who read this blog. It is nothing great, but something that means something to me.

The first weekend I moved into this apartment I received a gift from some friends. It was a frame, wrapped in canvas, scribed with a quote. It reads, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Lived the life you have imagined." - Thoreau

This piece of art will be the last thing I grab when I leave this apartment. It has so much symbolic meaning behind it for me, and I feel it has become one of my most prized possessions. First, I have the greatest friends in the world for without them I wouldn't be who I am today, but more importantly this gift helped save my life.

I know I wasn't in a good place when I moved into this apartment. Every time I glanced at that piece of canvas I was reminded of my commitment to grow and move on, and I think I have.

In much the same way I have overcome struggle in my life, I have to commend "Todd" (You should know who you are)

I'm so proud of everything this individual has accomplished in the past year. To discover oneself knowing that in a single heart beat your life can change, and then accept the dissonance between your mind, body, and soul all the while continuing to discover the meaning behind unspoken truths....it is remarkable. Todd, you have inspired to me to make changes in my life because you are so pure of heart. I truly feel a connection with you. A connection that is so deep, I sometimes feel your tears of pain fall on my heart into my soul. I want nothing more than the greatest happiness in your life, and can only hope that with time our story continues to enrich itself and encounter the most strange endeavors as they will keep our hearts growing together.

Currently, I'm content, and that is fine by me.

That is all.

Kindness

I know there are days that I truly despise the world and everything in it. Call it being pre-menstrual or whatever you please, but I get so angry when people are rude. Granted I certainly have my moments where I forget monumental things such as birthdays, graduations, anniversaries, etc, but little things like saying "thank you" or respectfully disagreeing with a spouse or whatever the situation may be should be considered second nature in my eyes.

I bring this point up because of my brother's situation. I become increasingly affected by his horrid daily decisions and yet he remains selfish to think that the world in its entirety is revolving around the misfortune of his life. My brother is a mean man who makes awful decisions and as a result has lost my family's trust. He is rude, disrespectful, and ignorant to everyone around him, and I fear it stems from a lost relationship and nurtured traits acquired from my father. Neither of these men are prominent in my life and I think that could make me the luckiest man alive.

My mother and sister raised me to have a heart and use compassion as a main facet to any relationship I am in. My father lacks the knowledge to understand human emotion and as a result I sometimes feel he suffers from depression. I know we all have our problems, but my brother is simply acting the way my father did towards my mother 21 years ago, and that is not okay.

If I were to talk to Justin and knew that he was truly listening I would say something like...

Aren't you tired yet....of having to defend your every action out of fear that those around you are going to ridicule you. Stop doing what you have always done and put your trust in the family that loves you. Don't think that we are hurting your image or ganging up on you, simply take what we have to say and use it to better yourself. It is time to grow up and take responsibility for your family, and more importantly your wife and children. You have made decisions that require sacrifice in your life, and whether you like that or not you have uphold your duty as a father and husband. You have all the time in the world to turn around the unfortunate things that have happened to you, and I'm sorry about all those things. Granted, I know we don't have the strongest relationship, but it doesn't mean I don't love you or care. If anything I care too much, and have become afraid to approach this situation knowing what kind of reaction could follow. Please take this letter as from someone who is generally concerned about your health and well being and ask for help when trying to make the big change. You are not weak and can get through this with the help of those who truly want only the best for you.

I don't even know how to end this post, but it comes from an hour long conversation I had with my mother last night. I know I sometimes have complaints about her, but deep down, I wouldn't trade her for the world. She is a fabulous woman and we have a great relationship. Her pain accumulated over the past from my father, steve, and Justin just aggravates me, but the talks we have, like the one last night, really make me proud of her and proud to be her son.

I love you mom.

B

Oh the places I go

It has been roughly a week since I last updated and I need to relay information as to where my family stands. 

Justin's case is extremely complicated from what I have gained and at this point he is not in jail.  He has another court hearing in August and a possible trial after that, but all I know is that things are not looking so good.  I find Justin being ungrateful about the financial help and support he is receiving, which boggles my mind because this is costing my family a pretty penny.  Justin isn't paying for a thing, and as a result I resent his attitude.  

To clear things up...I love my brother, but sincerely hope that someday he finds the internal strength to seek professional attention.  He needs to learn to effectively deal with his anger resulting from his past endeavors and learn to communicate with his peers and family on a more positive level.  He is brash, selfish, and sincerely mean sometimes.  I keep him in my thoughts often, but more importantly his family because I love all of them so much.  Mandie is amazing and as I continue to enhance my relationship I fall more and more in love with her.  Garret and Carley are priceless and I couldn't be more thrilled to be their uncle.  

I think it means more to me to be involved with these children because I don't know what will happen with my own.  If Justin does end up in jail through this whole mess, the family will be forever changed and I can't navigate in my head currently where anyone will end up.  

Next, my sister had her baby.  He is a beautiful baby boy, Charles Matthew Butler (Charlie).  I love him so much and more importantly stand thrilled and utterly proud of my sister for following through with yet another thing she said would NEVER happen.  Tony and Jammie are the most fitting parents in my eyes.  There love for each other runs deep and it shows so passionately.  I admire them and the way they are beginning their family.  

Moving into my main facet of stress recently...my mother.  Granted folks, I love the woman, I really do, but oh my golly while at home this last week I had no control over my overwhelming disliking of her attitude.   I honestly don't understand her rational sometimes...it is completely opposite from what she once taught me.  Mainly I'm talking about love, but my mother has fallen into the pit of pain and it is difficult to get her out.  So many people have tried, but it is almost like she likes it down there.  I listen to her cry, I hear her scream, I understand her disappointment at her children's ability to not understand her contributions to our lives, but when does this end.  I finally told her that if she didn't like something in her life, she was the only one that could change it.  

She questions me for being too textbook, but I feel my mother doesn't understand the traumatic experiences I have been through and why I talk the way I do.  I've learned so much on how to protect myself and how to help others, and I just want to share that.  She is so stubborn though and it drives me nuts.  

More than anything I just want my mother back.  I remember the days I could go in her room in the morning and cuddle and we would talk for hours then make breakfast at two in the afternoon.  I miss my childhood with my mother, but I want an adulthood with her to and I'm afraid I may never get that if she insist on being tied into an ugly love situation.  It is not easy for her I'm sure, and I know she is in pain right now, but I wish she would let me try and help, or listen to those around her.  My mother is a phenomenal woman, and there is no doubt in my mind about that, but she has changed...we all have.  That does not have to be a bad thing.

I have a job!  GO SCOTTYS BREWHOUSE!!  More to come on that later I'm sure.  

I too have found myself in an odd romance situation.  For the record (for all of you who know)...it is ending...PERIOD!  We all know that I am better than that and deserve only the finest happiness....LOL!  

I'm doing well, relaxing maybe a little to much, poorer than poor can be, and trying to remain optimistic in some difficult times.  

B

When it rains...it pours!

In a small update: 

My sister in law may have throat cancer 

My sister, Jammie, will have her baby induced next thursday

I'm still unemployed and trying so hard to find a job

The icing on the cake: 

My brother was arrested on a felony charge and could spend up to six years in prison.  

Things are difficult right now, but I have to remember to stay calm, pull together with my family, and be strong. 

Peace 

Defeat

I found out today that I was not selected as an Admissions Intern.  

I feel utterly defeated right now.  I was to confident and now after being jolted I feel awful.  After planning my senior year around the amazing opportunity, I now have to scramble to find a second plan.  

My chest actually hurts right now.  I really thought I had this, and I just can't imagine what I did wrong, or why I wasn't right.  I'm complaining and that needs to desist.  

That is the update for now.  Plan B coming soon...

B

Dinner Reflection

I went out to dinner with some friends tonight and met a college freshman who has been with partner in a monogamous relationship for a year and a half.  I couldn't help but sit there with envy as he told little stories about their relationship.  

I realized that I have become somewhat of a loaner.  I like it though, and that could be the most frightening part.  For example, where as the freshman I met tonight loves to go to the movies, and has a "my little steamer" (which I totally want to get now), I'm the guy who enjoys sitting at home on a Friday night alone with a glass of wine, soft music, and my sewing machine.  

I've become incredibly OCD about certain things.  I clean a lot now.  I love feeling fresh, or looking a crisp room that has just been dusted, it really does bring a sense of joy to my life.  Sadly, I fear others think I'm a little crazy and as a result I'm starting to feel like I don't fit in.  

I still have all my friends and social gatherings, but now more than ever being alone is all I know how to do.  Well maybe not the only thing I know how to do, but it is the fact that being alone in my apartment is my comfort.  I'm rarely afraid, scared, disturbed, or upset when I'm in my oasis.  It is hard to believe that I have lived in this apartment by myself for almost 9 months now.  I'm so proud of the house I have built and the friends and family that occupy it at different times.  

Another interesting thing that happened to me today was a meeting with my Communications and Popular Culture professor.  As I turned in my final paper (which I was not happy with), she sat me down and discussed grad school with me.  I love when professors take the time out of their days to connect with students.  Dr. Donnelly is so inspirational to me.  She is a vivacious red head on a mission, and never content with monotony.  Getting back to our conversation, she said something to me that really made my day.  She said, "Brandon, I really feel like you have a gift.  I sit in class and listen to your perspectives and idea's in total shock that you ponder such things.  You are a talented critical thinker."  Me?  Talented in critical thinking? I laughed to myself and thanked her, but she went on to talk about academia and how although it would be hard work, I could make a difference.  I guess I was just so touched by the fact that she felt I could handle it.  I don't know why I doubt myself, but being intellectual is not one of my strong suits.  

I've been looking at grad schools lately, and have a couple intriguing options.  I can't believe that in 3 days, I will be classified as a senior.   It is just so weird that this journey is entering its final chapter.  I remember the before I left for college when Mo, Lo, and myself packed my room, danced, etc.  The video is somewhere in cyberspace, but now things just seem so adult.  Am I really going to go to graduate and continue with higher education?  I'm thrilled for the possibility.  

I'm feeling content right now, and I like that feeling.   Mandy had Carley Taylin on Sunday.  She is so cute, but I wont get to see her for about a week and a half.  I love my family, I love my friends, I hate not having a job or knowing whether I will be the admissions intern next year, but everything is okay right now....minus the fact that I have to clean my bathroom hardcore before Amanda moves in on Saturday...

OH YEAH....I'm getting a roommate.  Amanda is one of my best friends at BSU and we connect on some cosmic level.  I adore the woman and I think we will be great roommates.  It will also be good practice for my upcoming move into a house of five.  

That is all for now.  

All Is Well

Currently I am working on being extremely productive.  With a long to-do list, it seems only natural to lay low for a while and just do it.  My hope is that after next Monday, April 27th, I will be one step closure to the conclusion of my Junior year.  I have a lot to finish tomorrow before a highly ridiculous Wednesday, and I leave Thursday for home to throw my sisters baby shower.  

I'm calm, collected, and a bit crazy.  The 3 C's always seem to creep into my life, but I like that.  

I'm excited for the next two weeks to pass, and have also decided that the Friday of finals will be devoted to a celebration...one hell of a drunken celebration!! 

B

Sad Thoughts on a Rainy Day

The past weekend has been very interesting.  On Thursday of last week I finally bought the final season of Will & Grace.  For those of you who know me and know me well, I vicariously try to live my life through the characters on this television show.  I know that sounds incredibly asinine, but it is a device that calms my nerves and eases my pain.  

I spent an entire day watching most of the season.  Knowing that I had to depart for St. Louis the next morning, I finally entered my slumber around 3am Friday morning.  I didn't sleep at all that night because I couldn't help but think of themes presented on the show.  In one episode Will has a fight with his father.  George (Will's dad) states that he wishes Will didn't have a hard life, and that if he had the choice, he would wish for Will to be straight.  

It was one of the most touching episodes to watch in my opinion.  It becomes unfortunate that this fight is the last memory Will has of his father as George has a heart attach a few days later. I cried not because the television show was depressing, but because I realize my own situation isn't a golden bridge.  

Both my father and my mother have the most difficult time accepting me, and it is really starting to affect the way I view my own sexuality.  I've been having thoughts lately that maybe I am suppose to be somebody I am not.  I can not shake the fact that my mind is traveling in numerous places and to be completely honest... I am lost.  I thought I had everything figured out and it could be my emotionality of the show, but honestly I can't figure out what I am.  

I'm scared right now.  I yearn so badly for the stories I watch on this show that I'm afraid I am setting myself up for disaster in the real world.  I sit at home alone most nights, and never do anything to change it.  I know it is my own fault and that I should put myself out there...literally talk to other guys.  I just don't feel anything lately.  

That was a little bit of tangent, but it ties into right now.  Two hours ago I watched the final episodes of Will & Grace and realized that I have closed a chapter in my life.  Sure I will continue to watch the seasons, but I finally have the closure I have been waiting for.  I know how their story ends, and now I want to figure out my own.  

This leads to the next sad factor of today.  I had a great weekend in St. Louis.  I spent entirely to much money and had a great time with my friends, but when I returned to work this evening I was informed that a young first year student passed away in the Hall I work in last night.  

It occurred to me that there have been numerous deaths around me, and for the first time in a while I have no clue how to respond.  I don't have words of consolation to say, nor do I have any religious affiliation to make things seems better.  

Now the part that I'm in denial about.  I care about people, and I think that shows, but I'm having a lot of trouble in one of my relationships, and that is the relationship with my mother.  I have begun to worry about her well being as her relationship with her best friend puts more strain on her life than I could imagine.  I'm getting sucked in and don't know how to get out.  My mother seems powerless in her situation, and I tell her that she is the only one that can fix it, but the reality is that her resources are slim.   

People make mistakes no doubt, but why do we become blind.  My family is starting to "fall" apart.  On the outside layer I feel we exemplify a typical nuclear family.  However, the reality is that my family lacks the experience to communicate effectively.  Sadly, I do my best to teach by example, but nothing seems to break old habits.  I'm beginning to fall into the "normalities" that my family has used since I can remember.  Needless to say I blame myself at times, but also try to separate myself and say that I have a chance to be something different...something better.  

Sexual identity crisis, accepting parents, death, financial insecurity, and the end of Will & Grace....these things combined have utterly ruined this day glorifying the message that rainy days sometimes send...

thanks for reading

Favorite Things...

I recently started feeling better and decided it would be nice to a make a list of the things I love.  

I'm to lazy to actually write them out here but I did make one.  I realized through doing this that my list should either be bigger or contain things that are not so superficial.  Then I thought, "they make me happy though so why should it matter?"  I can't really say whether this was a good activity or not, but I will write some of my favorites.  

The look on a man's face while holding a baby 

The little girls you dance with at weddings 

Falling into bed and floating through a dream 

Looking into the eyes of someone you love 

Laughing uncontrollably over the most idiotic things 

These just don't happen everyday and I wish they did.  This year is ending in a little over a month now and I can't believe it.  I'm going to be a senior already....crazy feeling.  I'm in a mood right now in which I cannot pin point, but oh well I say.  I'm going to make dinner watch a movie and cuddle on my couch...by myself.  It's okay though...I'm banking on the fact that someday there will be somebody there with me.