DC Redefined

It has been almost 4 weeks since I arrived here. Today the weather was disgusting...100 degrees and humid. Currently, I am sitting on the roof of my CEO's condo asking how I got to this place. While I hesitate to gush for fear of being overly dramatic, I will say this experience is interesting.

I without a doubt love the job I am doing. The time and effort needed to make this organization run as effectively as it does shows in the work ethics of the small staff it employs. Additionally, I've been offered a tentative opportunity to return to the chamber upon completion of my degree next May. While daunting, and too real, I'm afraid this could be the right place for me.

Right now I'm looking off into the distance. A storm is brewing and the city lights are shining. The things running through my mind...love, electric bills, how much I miss the familiar, but how my apprehension to explore forces me to look past the known into the unknown. It is simply beautiful and compliments my personality better than Indiana (at least at present moment).

I've met some really great people while I've been here. I've talked to an elderly Korean man who provided wisdom about health and life, a sweet British woman lost and looking for the metro, which I walked her to, and so many others that continue to redefine why I'm here. I'm not here to work for a gay cause (I mean I am that too, but there is more to this puzzle). I'm here to challenge myself to think outside the box.

I become motivated to explore the creation of a business plan. A plan that I truly feel may have sincere potential considering the job market, the organizational outreach, and my own belief in something.

While I still have yet to find a DC love, I'm enjoying the process. I've met more guys in the four weeks I've been here than I ever did in DC. That is more opportunity for me to grow relationally. I'm excited for that opportunity as time goes on.

DC is treating me well (it is harassing the shit out of my wallet though), but I don't care because in the end I know things will work out and everything will be okay.

Cheers to the amazing time I'm having!

Departure

Today will remain a historical landmark in the history of my existence. In less than an hour I will make my way to Indianapolis to depart for Washington, DC.

This summer I'll be working for the National Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce, and although I am incredibly intimidated, I remain excited for the possibility of continued self-exploration.

For the first time in my life, I will reside in a place outside of Indiana for an extended period. While many know my self-sufficient and independent attitude have taken me far, I must admit feelings of trepidation cloud my mind as I write this. I have little knowledge of working for a face-paced/8-5/corporate America position that requires a certain level of ferocity I question exists in my soul. Additionally, as much as this place bores me, it is home and what I'm used to.

While I push the students I work with to step outside of their comfort zones, I have the most difficult time accepting this sentiment for myself. It adds stress I usually avoid and overall intimidates me. However, I'm ready to be challenged in exploring more of my sexual identity in this process and as a result feel just as much liberated as scared.

DC is a beautiful place and I imagine I will continue to write about spots in the area that mean something to me. I can tell you right now that the Roosevelt Monument is my favorite at present. Somewhat of a hidden gem, this place uses water as a focal point to tell a story, a story I find relevant to any American's life in some capacity.

My journey is only beginning, and regardless the unknown, I'm thrilled to have the opportunity to explore. Stay tuned for updates on my DC adventures.

Will there be love? Heartbreak? Intrigue? Morality? ...WHO KNOWS!

L,

B

Greetings

In an attempt to remain grounded I'll only provide the most basic details. Yes, I've been gone for quite sometime, but grad school is going well.

Additionally, I've known a man for less than 48 hours and find myself completely smitten at this point. What is to become of this? Stay tuned...

B

Imagination

Someone once stated, "judgement hinder imagination"

I think about this quote often and I'm always left bewildered for some odd reason. I could not agree more with this statement because I find that all to often, humans spend more time critiquing the idea rather than exploring the many options around it.

I'm beginning to realize that my idealism is a hinderance in the groups I work in. Maybe I've become so optimistic that I truly forget to think about the implications an idea has. I'm worried of becoming jaded as a result. As I prepare to graduate in four weeks, my mind is cluttered with thoughts and revelations from the past four years, but still something feels wrong.

I never really understood what I would do after I graduated college, however I've made the decision to continue my education and I can't decide whether I truly am happy about this or terrified. Not only am I concerned about my ability to perform on a sound academic level, but I'm also terrified that I will come out of it less ready to really enter the workforce. Have I developed any real technical knowledge about legitimate professions? Stay tuned my cluster of a mess life. Although it seems to have direction, I couldn't feel more lost.

This week has only just begun and it is already just "one of those" weeks. I lost a dear classmate in an awful ATV accident on Saturday, which makes everything else on my list seem trivial. However, I'm still stressed with the completion of this seminar, and ultimately wish my choices academically this semester were different. As I prepare to leave, I feel as though I've done nothing to leave a mark and I hate that powerless feeling.

No matter what award I receive, recognition I get, or position I've held, I feel empty and I hate it. Maybe this is result of some kind of hormonal imbalance, maybe it is because I haven't seen some of the people I really need right now, or maybe it is just because I'm not ready to accept that it is once again time to move on.

I've been truly blessed throughout these past four years and looking back I'm ashamed of how I've taken so many things for granted. I wish I could say things were going to change and i would miraculously get better, but we all know that isn't the case. I want to smile and mean it...I haven't done that in like a week (minus the extreme laughter with Eric last night)...a week without a genuine smile and feeling of happiness is rare and extremely odd. I hate this place of limbo and want it to be gone.

Tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities, adventures, and obstacles...perhaps I shall just get over myself and start living these last moments to their fullest.

Thanks for reading

B

Always - Scott Alan

If there are times

That you are feeling weak

Lay next to me

I'll hold you till you fall asleep

Anytime of day

There's nothing to explain

I'm always on your side

Hold onto me

I'll steel you from the hardest days

Don't be afraid

You have me here to guide your way

For life I will be here

I will not disappear

I'm always on your side

Always....

Always....

Always....

Always....

And on my heart

I promise I will see you through

When storms appear

I'm always here to hold onto

I'll be here day and night

to help the fears subside

I'm always on your side

Anytime of day

There's nothing to explain

I'm always on your side...

** Find this on youtube...you will love it! It has touched my life!

B

OMG

Yes it has been a very long time, but when something huge happens...that moves me this much..I have to say something!

Without disclosing names, someone I have absolutely adored and completely crushed on just came out to me. Being a little older, this person is simply stunning, and although he is currently in a relationship, I can't help but wonder if we can be together someday. Everything about it is all wrong, but the following is what I know:

I have always liked him

I have always thought he was gay

I'm willing to drop everything to try

He has everything I want and more

I would have to work so hard

We would argue and get angry

He is compassionate and dreamy

OMG...I'm on cloud freaking nine right now and I can't even explain my emotions in words. I feel giddy and excited about a boy again and that is great.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHG

I wish I could act more mature about this, but have you ever bee so excited that you are going to burst at the seams? It just boggles my mind...ya know. For years I questioned myself and I was getting all the signals. His story is so interesting and he really is my kind of guy. Totally butch and sexy, but more importantly he is smart and cunning. His smile makes me melt and I can't even stand the fact that he is with someone else.

Is this something that I go for....it is more risky than anything I have ever done!! A huge process. I feel like it could be the most rewarding thing I do, even if it means securing a strong friendship.

Is this really happening.......everything I am concerned about right now just drifted away because I am genuinely happy...like oh my fucking god, balls to the freaking walls... elated about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness!!

Okay thats all...

Wow

I'm exhausted and home sick!

I'll get through this I know, but sometimes the middle just blows!

Thats all for now...

B