Kindness

I know there are days that I truly despise the world and everything in it. Call it being pre-menstrual or whatever you please, but I get so angry when people are rude. Granted I certainly have my moments where I forget monumental things such as birthdays, graduations, anniversaries, etc, but little things like saying "thank you" or respectfully disagreeing with a spouse or whatever the situation may be should be considered second nature in my eyes.

I bring this point up because of my brother's situation. I become increasingly affected by his horrid daily decisions and yet he remains selfish to think that the world in its entirety is revolving around the misfortune of his life. My brother is a mean man who makes awful decisions and as a result has lost my family's trust. He is rude, disrespectful, and ignorant to everyone around him, and I fear it stems from a lost relationship and nurtured traits acquired from my father. Neither of these men are prominent in my life and I think that could make me the luckiest man alive.

My mother and sister raised me to have a heart and use compassion as a main facet to any relationship I am in. My father lacks the knowledge to understand human emotion and as a result I sometimes feel he suffers from depression. I know we all have our problems, but my brother is simply acting the way my father did towards my mother 21 years ago, and that is not okay.

If I were to talk to Justin and knew that he was truly listening I would say something like...

Aren't you tired yet....of having to defend your every action out of fear that those around you are going to ridicule you. Stop doing what you have always done and put your trust in the family that loves you. Don't think that we are hurting your image or ganging up on you, simply take what we have to say and use it to better yourself. It is time to grow up and take responsibility for your family, and more importantly your wife and children. You have made decisions that require sacrifice in your life, and whether you like that or not you have uphold your duty as a father and husband. You have all the time in the world to turn around the unfortunate things that have happened to you, and I'm sorry about all those things. Granted, I know we don't have the strongest relationship, but it doesn't mean I don't love you or care. If anything I care too much, and have become afraid to approach this situation knowing what kind of reaction could follow. Please take this letter as from someone who is generally concerned about your health and well being and ask for help when trying to make the big change. You are not weak and can get through this with the help of those who truly want only the best for you.

I don't even know how to end this post, but it comes from an hour long conversation I had with my mother last night. I know I sometimes have complaints about her, but deep down, I wouldn't trade her for the world. She is a fabulous woman and we have a great relationship. Her pain accumulated over the past from my father, steve, and Justin just aggravates me, but the talks we have, like the one last night, really make me proud of her and proud to be her son.

I love you mom.

B

Oh the places I go

It has been roughly a week since I last updated and I need to relay information as to where my family stands. 

Justin's case is extremely complicated from what I have gained and at this point he is not in jail.  He has another court hearing in August and a possible trial after that, but all I know is that things are not looking so good.  I find Justin being ungrateful about the financial help and support he is receiving, which boggles my mind because this is costing my family a pretty penny.  Justin isn't paying for a thing, and as a result I resent his attitude.  

To clear things up...I love my brother, but sincerely hope that someday he finds the internal strength to seek professional attention.  He needs to learn to effectively deal with his anger resulting from his past endeavors and learn to communicate with his peers and family on a more positive level.  He is brash, selfish, and sincerely mean sometimes.  I keep him in my thoughts often, but more importantly his family because I love all of them so much.  Mandie is amazing and as I continue to enhance my relationship I fall more and more in love with her.  Garret and Carley are priceless and I couldn't be more thrilled to be their uncle.  

I think it means more to me to be involved with these children because I don't know what will happen with my own.  If Justin does end up in jail through this whole mess, the family will be forever changed and I can't navigate in my head currently where anyone will end up.  

Next, my sister had her baby.  He is a beautiful baby boy, Charles Matthew Butler (Charlie).  I love him so much and more importantly stand thrilled and utterly proud of my sister for following through with yet another thing she said would NEVER happen.  Tony and Jammie are the most fitting parents in my eyes.  There love for each other runs deep and it shows so passionately.  I admire them and the way they are beginning their family.  

Moving into my main facet of stress recently...my mother.  Granted folks, I love the woman, I really do, but oh my golly while at home this last week I had no control over my overwhelming disliking of her attitude.   I honestly don't understand her rational sometimes...it is completely opposite from what she once taught me.  Mainly I'm talking about love, but my mother has fallen into the pit of pain and it is difficult to get her out.  So many people have tried, but it is almost like she likes it down there.  I listen to her cry, I hear her scream, I understand her disappointment at her children's ability to not understand her contributions to our lives, but when does this end.  I finally told her that if she didn't like something in her life, she was the only one that could change it.  

She questions me for being too textbook, but I feel my mother doesn't understand the traumatic experiences I have been through and why I talk the way I do.  I've learned so much on how to protect myself and how to help others, and I just want to share that.  She is so stubborn though and it drives me nuts.  

More than anything I just want my mother back.  I remember the days I could go in her room in the morning and cuddle and we would talk for hours then make breakfast at two in the afternoon.  I miss my childhood with my mother, but I want an adulthood with her to and I'm afraid I may never get that if she insist on being tied into an ugly love situation.  It is not easy for her I'm sure, and I know she is in pain right now, but I wish she would let me try and help, or listen to those around her.  My mother is a phenomenal woman, and there is no doubt in my mind about that, but she has changed...we all have.  That does not have to be a bad thing.

I have a job!  GO SCOTTYS BREWHOUSE!!  More to come on that later I'm sure.  

I too have found myself in an odd romance situation.  For the record (for all of you who know)...it is ending...PERIOD!  We all know that I am better than that and deserve only the finest happiness....LOL!  

I'm doing well, relaxing maybe a little to much, poorer than poor can be, and trying to remain optimistic in some difficult times.  

B

When it rains...it pours!

In a small update: 

My sister in law may have throat cancer 

My sister, Jammie, will have her baby induced next thursday

I'm still unemployed and trying so hard to find a job

The icing on the cake: 

My brother was arrested on a felony charge and could spend up to six years in prison.  

Things are difficult right now, but I have to remember to stay calm, pull together with my family, and be strong. 

Peace 

Defeat

I found out today that I was not selected as an Admissions Intern.  

I feel utterly defeated right now.  I was to confident and now after being jolted I feel awful.  After planning my senior year around the amazing opportunity, I now have to scramble to find a second plan.  

My chest actually hurts right now.  I really thought I had this, and I just can't imagine what I did wrong, or why I wasn't right.  I'm complaining and that needs to desist.  

That is the update for now.  Plan B coming soon...

B

Dinner Reflection

I went out to dinner with some friends tonight and met a college freshman who has been with partner in a monogamous relationship for a year and a half.  I couldn't help but sit there with envy as he told little stories about their relationship.  

I realized that I have become somewhat of a loaner.  I like it though, and that could be the most frightening part.  For example, where as the freshman I met tonight loves to go to the movies, and has a "my little steamer" (which I totally want to get now), I'm the guy who enjoys sitting at home on a Friday night alone with a glass of wine, soft music, and my sewing machine.  

I've become incredibly OCD about certain things.  I clean a lot now.  I love feeling fresh, or looking a crisp room that has just been dusted, it really does bring a sense of joy to my life.  Sadly, I fear others think I'm a little crazy and as a result I'm starting to feel like I don't fit in.  

I still have all my friends and social gatherings, but now more than ever being alone is all I know how to do.  Well maybe not the only thing I know how to do, but it is the fact that being alone in my apartment is my comfort.  I'm rarely afraid, scared, disturbed, or upset when I'm in my oasis.  It is hard to believe that I have lived in this apartment by myself for almost 9 months now.  I'm so proud of the house I have built and the friends and family that occupy it at different times.  

Another interesting thing that happened to me today was a meeting with my Communications and Popular Culture professor.  As I turned in my final paper (which I was not happy with), she sat me down and discussed grad school with me.  I love when professors take the time out of their days to connect with students.  Dr. Donnelly is so inspirational to me.  She is a vivacious red head on a mission, and never content with monotony.  Getting back to our conversation, she said something to me that really made my day.  She said, "Brandon, I really feel like you have a gift.  I sit in class and listen to your perspectives and idea's in total shock that you ponder such things.  You are a talented critical thinker."  Me?  Talented in critical thinking? I laughed to myself and thanked her, but she went on to talk about academia and how although it would be hard work, I could make a difference.  I guess I was just so touched by the fact that she felt I could handle it.  I don't know why I doubt myself, but being intellectual is not one of my strong suits.  

I've been looking at grad schools lately, and have a couple intriguing options.  I can't believe that in 3 days, I will be classified as a senior.   It is just so weird that this journey is entering its final chapter.  I remember the before I left for college when Mo, Lo, and myself packed my room, danced, etc.  The video is somewhere in cyberspace, but now things just seem so adult.  Am I really going to go to graduate and continue with higher education?  I'm thrilled for the possibility.  

I'm feeling content right now, and I like that feeling.   Mandy had Carley Taylin on Sunday.  She is so cute, but I wont get to see her for about a week and a half.  I love my family, I love my friends, I hate not having a job or knowing whether I will be the admissions intern next year, but everything is okay right now....minus the fact that I have to clean my bathroom hardcore before Amanda moves in on Saturday...

OH YEAH....I'm getting a roommate.  Amanda is one of my best friends at BSU and we connect on some cosmic level.  I adore the woman and I think we will be great roommates.  It will also be good practice for my upcoming move into a house of five.  

That is all for now.  

All Is Well

Currently I am working on being extremely productive.  With a long to-do list, it seems only natural to lay low for a while and just do it.  My hope is that after next Monday, April 27th, I will be one step closure to the conclusion of my Junior year.  I have a lot to finish tomorrow before a highly ridiculous Wednesday, and I leave Thursday for home to throw my sisters baby shower.  

I'm calm, collected, and a bit crazy.  The 3 C's always seem to creep into my life, but I like that.  

I'm excited for the next two weeks to pass, and have also decided that the Friday of finals will be devoted to a celebration...one hell of a drunken celebration!! 

B

Sad Thoughts on a Rainy Day

The past weekend has been very interesting.  On Thursday of last week I finally bought the final season of Will & Grace.  For those of you who know me and know me well, I vicariously try to live my life through the characters on this television show.  I know that sounds incredibly asinine, but it is a device that calms my nerves and eases my pain.  

I spent an entire day watching most of the season.  Knowing that I had to depart for St. Louis the next morning, I finally entered my slumber around 3am Friday morning.  I didn't sleep at all that night because I couldn't help but think of themes presented on the show.  In one episode Will has a fight with his father.  George (Will's dad) states that he wishes Will didn't have a hard life, and that if he had the choice, he would wish for Will to be straight.  

It was one of the most touching episodes to watch in my opinion.  It becomes unfortunate that this fight is the last memory Will has of his father as George has a heart attach a few days later. I cried not because the television show was depressing, but because I realize my own situation isn't a golden bridge.  

Both my father and my mother have the most difficult time accepting me, and it is really starting to affect the way I view my own sexuality.  I've been having thoughts lately that maybe I am suppose to be somebody I am not.  I can not shake the fact that my mind is traveling in numerous places and to be completely honest... I am lost.  I thought I had everything figured out and it could be my emotionality of the show, but honestly I can't figure out what I am.  

I'm scared right now.  I yearn so badly for the stories I watch on this show that I'm afraid I am setting myself up for disaster in the real world.  I sit at home alone most nights, and never do anything to change it.  I know it is my own fault and that I should put myself out there...literally talk to other guys.  I just don't feel anything lately.  

That was a little bit of tangent, but it ties into right now.  Two hours ago I watched the final episodes of Will & Grace and realized that I have closed a chapter in my life.  Sure I will continue to watch the seasons, but I finally have the closure I have been waiting for.  I know how their story ends, and now I want to figure out my own.  

This leads to the next sad factor of today.  I had a great weekend in St. Louis.  I spent entirely to much money and had a great time with my friends, but when I returned to work this evening I was informed that a young first year student passed away in the Hall I work in last night.  

It occurred to me that there have been numerous deaths around me, and for the first time in a while I have no clue how to respond.  I don't have words of consolation to say, nor do I have any religious affiliation to make things seems better.  

Now the part that I'm in denial about.  I care about people, and I think that shows, but I'm having a lot of trouble in one of my relationships, and that is the relationship with my mother.  I have begun to worry about her well being as her relationship with her best friend puts more strain on her life than I could imagine.  I'm getting sucked in and don't know how to get out.  My mother seems powerless in her situation, and I tell her that she is the only one that can fix it, but the reality is that her resources are slim.   

People make mistakes no doubt, but why do we become blind.  My family is starting to "fall" apart.  On the outside layer I feel we exemplify a typical nuclear family.  However, the reality is that my family lacks the experience to communicate effectively.  Sadly, I do my best to teach by example, but nothing seems to break old habits.  I'm beginning to fall into the "normalities" that my family has used since I can remember.  Needless to say I blame myself at times, but also try to separate myself and say that I have a chance to be something different...something better.  

Sexual identity crisis, accepting parents, death, financial insecurity, and the end of Will & Grace....these things combined have utterly ruined this day glorifying the message that rainy days sometimes send...

thanks for reading