Imagination

Someone once stated, "judgement hinder imagination"

I think about this quote often and I'm always left bewildered for some odd reason. I could not agree more with this statement because I find that all to often, humans spend more time critiquing the idea rather than exploring the many options around it.

I'm beginning to realize that my idealism is a hinderance in the groups I work in. Maybe I've become so optimistic that I truly forget to think about the implications an idea has. I'm worried of becoming jaded as a result. As I prepare to graduate in four weeks, my mind is cluttered with thoughts and revelations from the past four years, but still something feels wrong.

I never really understood what I would do after I graduated college, however I've made the decision to continue my education and I can't decide whether I truly am happy about this or terrified. Not only am I concerned about my ability to perform on a sound academic level, but I'm also terrified that I will come out of it less ready to really enter the workforce. Have I developed any real technical knowledge about legitimate professions? Stay tuned my cluster of a mess life. Although it seems to have direction, I couldn't feel more lost.

This week has only just begun and it is already just "one of those" weeks. I lost a dear classmate in an awful ATV accident on Saturday, which makes everything else on my list seem trivial. However, I'm still stressed with the completion of this seminar, and ultimately wish my choices academically this semester were different. As I prepare to leave, I feel as though I've done nothing to leave a mark and I hate that powerless feeling.

No matter what award I receive, recognition I get, or position I've held, I feel empty and I hate it. Maybe this is result of some kind of hormonal imbalance, maybe it is because I haven't seen some of the people I really need right now, or maybe it is just because I'm not ready to accept that it is once again time to move on.

I've been truly blessed throughout these past four years and looking back I'm ashamed of how I've taken so many things for granted. I wish I could say things were going to change and i would miraculously get better, but we all know that isn't the case. I want to smile and mean it...I haven't done that in like a week (minus the extreme laughter with Eric last night)...a week without a genuine smile and feeling of happiness is rare and extremely odd. I hate this place of limbo and want it to be gone.

Tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities, adventures, and obstacles...perhaps I shall just get over myself and start living these last moments to their fullest.

Thanks for reading

B

Always - Scott Alan

If there are times

That you are feeling weak

Lay next to me

I'll hold you till you fall asleep

Anytime of day

There's nothing to explain

I'm always on your side

Hold onto me

I'll steel you from the hardest days

Don't be afraid

You have me here to guide your way

For life I will be here

I will not disappear

I'm always on your side

Always....

Always....

Always....

Always....

And on my heart

I promise I will see you through

When storms appear

I'm always here to hold onto

I'll be here day and night

to help the fears subside

I'm always on your side

Anytime of day

There's nothing to explain

I'm always on your side...

** Find this on youtube...you will love it! It has touched my life!

B

OMG

Yes it has been a very long time, but when something huge happens...that moves me this much..I have to say something!

Without disclosing names, someone I have absolutely adored and completely crushed on just came out to me. Being a little older, this person is simply stunning, and although he is currently in a relationship, I can't help but wonder if we can be together someday. Everything about it is all wrong, but the following is what I know:

I have always liked him

I have always thought he was gay

I'm willing to drop everything to try

He has everything I want and more

I would have to work so hard

We would argue and get angry

He is compassionate and dreamy

OMG...I'm on cloud freaking nine right now and I can't even explain my emotions in words. I feel giddy and excited about a boy again and that is great.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHG

I wish I could act more mature about this, but have you ever bee so excited that you are going to burst at the seams? It just boggles my mind...ya know. For years I questioned myself and I was getting all the signals. His story is so interesting and he really is my kind of guy. Totally butch and sexy, but more importantly he is smart and cunning. His smile makes me melt and I can't even stand the fact that he is with someone else.

Is this something that I go for....it is more risky than anything I have ever done!! A huge process. I feel like it could be the most rewarding thing I do, even if it means securing a strong friendship.

Is this really happening.......everything I am concerned about right now just drifted away because I am genuinely happy...like oh my fucking god, balls to the freaking walls... elated about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness!!

Okay thats all...

Wow

I'm exhausted and home sick!

I'll get through this I know, but sometimes the middle just blows!

Thats all for now...

B

Hello World

So it has been a long time since my last update. I have a few things to comment on.

First off, Amanda is moving out on Saturday. Living with someone for three months is truly an experience. It is a bitter sweet moment for me because Amanda and I are friends, but have this way of just living together, but separate. I have had fun and I'm glad to be moving on from this section of my life.

I move in about a week. It is so scary to think that I have been in this place for one year working on my soul. I must say as I pack my apartment away, the unit becomes less and less mine and more dismal. I'm nervous for the future because once again I have become content in my present situation. I've lost myself in many ways this year including love and right now...at this very moment....I feel fine. I'm happy and content with most things.

I have made a minor decision that I want to share with those who read this blog. It is nothing great, but something that means something to me.

The first weekend I moved into this apartment I received a gift from some friends. It was a frame, wrapped in canvas, scribed with a quote. It reads, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Lived the life you have imagined." - Thoreau

This piece of art will be the last thing I grab when I leave this apartment. It has so much symbolic meaning behind it for me, and I feel it has become one of my most prized possessions. First, I have the greatest friends in the world for without them I wouldn't be who I am today, but more importantly this gift helped save my life.

I know I wasn't in a good place when I moved into this apartment. Every time I glanced at that piece of canvas I was reminded of my commitment to grow and move on, and I think I have.

In much the same way I have overcome struggle in my life, I have to commend "Todd" (You should know who you are)

I'm so proud of everything this individual has accomplished in the past year. To discover oneself knowing that in a single heart beat your life can change, and then accept the dissonance between your mind, body, and soul all the while continuing to discover the meaning behind unspoken truths....it is remarkable. Todd, you have inspired to me to make changes in my life because you are so pure of heart. I truly feel a connection with you. A connection that is so deep, I sometimes feel your tears of pain fall on my heart into my soul. I want nothing more than the greatest happiness in your life, and can only hope that with time our story continues to enrich itself and encounter the most strange endeavors as they will keep our hearts growing together.

Currently, I'm content, and that is fine by me.

That is all.

Kindness

I know there are days that I truly despise the world and everything in it. Call it being pre-menstrual or whatever you please, but I get so angry when people are rude. Granted I certainly have my moments where I forget monumental things such as birthdays, graduations, anniversaries, etc, but little things like saying "thank you" or respectfully disagreeing with a spouse or whatever the situation may be should be considered second nature in my eyes.

I bring this point up because of my brother's situation. I become increasingly affected by his horrid daily decisions and yet he remains selfish to think that the world in its entirety is revolving around the misfortune of his life. My brother is a mean man who makes awful decisions and as a result has lost my family's trust. He is rude, disrespectful, and ignorant to everyone around him, and I fear it stems from a lost relationship and nurtured traits acquired from my father. Neither of these men are prominent in my life and I think that could make me the luckiest man alive.

My mother and sister raised me to have a heart and use compassion as a main facet to any relationship I am in. My father lacks the knowledge to understand human emotion and as a result I sometimes feel he suffers from depression. I know we all have our problems, but my brother is simply acting the way my father did towards my mother 21 years ago, and that is not okay.

If I were to talk to Justin and knew that he was truly listening I would say something like...

Aren't you tired yet....of having to defend your every action out of fear that those around you are going to ridicule you. Stop doing what you have always done and put your trust in the family that loves you. Don't think that we are hurting your image or ganging up on you, simply take what we have to say and use it to better yourself. It is time to grow up and take responsibility for your family, and more importantly your wife and children. You have made decisions that require sacrifice in your life, and whether you like that or not you have uphold your duty as a father and husband. You have all the time in the world to turn around the unfortunate things that have happened to you, and I'm sorry about all those things. Granted, I know we don't have the strongest relationship, but it doesn't mean I don't love you or care. If anything I care too much, and have become afraid to approach this situation knowing what kind of reaction could follow. Please take this letter as from someone who is generally concerned about your health and well being and ask for help when trying to make the big change. You are not weak and can get through this with the help of those who truly want only the best for you.

I don't even know how to end this post, but it comes from an hour long conversation I had with my mother last night. I know I sometimes have complaints about her, but deep down, I wouldn't trade her for the world. She is a fabulous woman and we have a great relationship. Her pain accumulated over the past from my father, steve, and Justin just aggravates me, but the talks we have, like the one last night, really make me proud of her and proud to be her son.

I love you mom.

B

Oh the places I go

It has been roughly a week since I last updated and I need to relay information as to where my family stands. 

Justin's case is extremely complicated from what I have gained and at this point he is not in jail.  He has another court hearing in August and a possible trial after that, but all I know is that things are not looking so good.  I find Justin being ungrateful about the financial help and support he is receiving, which boggles my mind because this is costing my family a pretty penny.  Justin isn't paying for a thing, and as a result I resent his attitude.  

To clear things up...I love my brother, but sincerely hope that someday he finds the internal strength to seek professional attention.  He needs to learn to effectively deal with his anger resulting from his past endeavors and learn to communicate with his peers and family on a more positive level.  He is brash, selfish, and sincerely mean sometimes.  I keep him in my thoughts often, but more importantly his family because I love all of them so much.  Mandie is amazing and as I continue to enhance my relationship I fall more and more in love with her.  Garret and Carley are priceless and I couldn't be more thrilled to be their uncle.  

I think it means more to me to be involved with these children because I don't know what will happen with my own.  If Justin does end up in jail through this whole mess, the family will be forever changed and I can't navigate in my head currently where anyone will end up.  

Next, my sister had her baby.  He is a beautiful baby boy, Charles Matthew Butler (Charlie).  I love him so much and more importantly stand thrilled and utterly proud of my sister for following through with yet another thing she said would NEVER happen.  Tony and Jammie are the most fitting parents in my eyes.  There love for each other runs deep and it shows so passionately.  I admire them and the way they are beginning their family.  

Moving into my main facet of stress recently...my mother.  Granted folks, I love the woman, I really do, but oh my golly while at home this last week I had no control over my overwhelming disliking of her attitude.   I honestly don't understand her rational sometimes...it is completely opposite from what she once taught me.  Mainly I'm talking about love, but my mother has fallen into the pit of pain and it is difficult to get her out.  So many people have tried, but it is almost like she likes it down there.  I listen to her cry, I hear her scream, I understand her disappointment at her children's ability to not understand her contributions to our lives, but when does this end.  I finally told her that if she didn't like something in her life, she was the only one that could change it.  

She questions me for being too textbook, but I feel my mother doesn't understand the traumatic experiences I have been through and why I talk the way I do.  I've learned so much on how to protect myself and how to help others, and I just want to share that.  She is so stubborn though and it drives me nuts.  

More than anything I just want my mother back.  I remember the days I could go in her room in the morning and cuddle and we would talk for hours then make breakfast at two in the afternoon.  I miss my childhood with my mother, but I want an adulthood with her to and I'm afraid I may never get that if she insist on being tied into an ugly love situation.  It is not easy for her I'm sure, and I know she is in pain right now, but I wish she would let me try and help, or listen to those around her.  My mother is a phenomenal woman, and there is no doubt in my mind about that, but she has changed...we all have.  That does not have to be a bad thing.

I have a job!  GO SCOTTYS BREWHOUSE!!  More to come on that later I'm sure.  

I too have found myself in an odd romance situation.  For the record (for all of you who know)...it is ending...PERIOD!  We all know that I am better than that and deserve only the finest happiness....LOL!  

I'm doing well, relaxing maybe a little to much, poorer than poor can be, and trying to remain optimistic in some difficult times.  

B