New Beginning?

Today was the first day of classes back at BSU and although I have had roughly a week to acclimate myself with the surroundings in Muncie, I feel more displaced than usual.  I haven't been sleeping well and find myself starring at the ceiling at night asking myself, "am I alone, do I like it here, can I handle this, why wont my eyes freaking sleep?"  It becomes frustrating when you want to do something so badly, but don't have the means or heart of accomplishing that task effectively, and perhaps that is my issue currently. 

I don't know why I muster some of the plans I do, but I feel like there is a greater plan for me. Something big is out there, whether it be an employment opportunity, an educational opportunity, or just the world waiting for me to discover its' surface.  I'm not ready to let go of the past, but I deeply yearn to encounter my future.  

As I sit in my apartment alone sometimes, I truly believe and feel that I may perhaps never be with someone nor will I have children.  People always tell me that is a crazy thought, but I do know a few individuals in there 50's who have went their entire life basically alone.  The more I look at them the more I respect them.  Sometimes I honestly feel that although I have plenty of things to offer another individual, I'm still to selfish to give myself completely to somebody...especially after being hurt.  The idea is dreadful to think about sometimes, but being alone is not so bad when you have great friends.  

Oy with the Poodles Already

Sometimes I become incredibly mystified with the people around me.  It certainly is not anger, nor is it haste, but I find an incredible fascination with how people communicate with each other. I was never one to understand the link become public speaking and fear, but I find that today the common trend is to express deep desire and feeling over drawn out instant message conversations or text messaging. 

Nine times out of the ten computer mediated communication is never successful and although that sounds incredibly scripted from a text book, the fact of the matter is that it is true.  It is better to come to a realization when you are hitting in head on AND in person.  Looking someone in the eye conveys such a more realistic outcome rather than not knowing EXACTLY what the content means within context.  

I don't just study communication because I'm good at it, I study it because it is the thing I practice most and care most about.  I will never fully understand why I commit to numerous relationship because in a way it keeps me from fostering more rich connections with my closest friends.  However, without my craving to meet new people and explore myself I fear I might become bored with the monotony of my everyday life.  Right now I like the plethora of people I spend time with.  They all bring different excitement and fulfillment into my life.  I've come to the realization that I am and probably always will be a social butterfly. 

My point is that with most all relationships I'm involved in I keep solid interaction through the use of good, solid, and effective communication methods i.e. face to face, telephone conversations, lunches, etc.  texting and AIM, although entertaining and informative, don't foster positive response when dealing with certain subject matter.  I'm not saying they are completely ineffective because that would be a lie, however my personal experience with confrontation and coping with such stress is best solved through a simple chat in person.  

Yes, it is never easy to look somebody in the eye when you bear bad news, but it is also never appropriate to ease your way around the truth through banter online.  

The truth hurts no doubt, and all to many times my friends have kept me in check with myself. No one is perfect so don't lie to yourself and do what is right.  The answers might not ever be clear but follow your gut and act on whatever situation you find yourself in.  Over analyzing can lead to trouble and it doesn't only waste the time of those around you, but it eats away a part of your soul that could have been devoted to optimism.  

I hold my optimism close because at the end of the day I always realize that without any of the awful things in the world that I dislike and hate, there would be no room to see the beauty and opportunity that surrounds my life on a daily basis.  

B