I think about this quote often and I'm always left bewildered for some odd reason. I could not agree more with this statement because I find that all to often, humans spend more time critiquing the idea rather than exploring the many options around it.
I'm beginning to realize that my idealism is a hinderance in the groups I work in. Maybe I've become so optimistic that I truly forget to think about the implications an idea has. I'm worried of becoming jaded as a result. As I prepare to graduate in four weeks, my mind is cluttered with thoughts and revelations from the past four years, but still something feels wrong.
I never really understood what I would do after I graduated college, however I've made the decision to continue my education and I can't decide whether I truly am happy about this or terrified. Not only am I concerned about my ability to perform on a sound academic level, but I'm also terrified that I will come out of it less ready to really enter the workforce. Have I developed any real technical knowledge about legitimate professions? Stay tuned my cluster of a mess life. Although it seems to have direction, I couldn't feel more lost.
This week has only just begun and it is already just "one of those" weeks. I lost a dear classmate in an awful ATV accident on Saturday, which makes everything else on my list seem trivial. However, I'm still stressed with the completion of this seminar, and ultimately wish my choices academically this semester were different. As I prepare to leave, I feel as though I've done nothing to leave a mark and I hate that powerless feeling.
No matter what award I receive, recognition I get, or position I've held, I feel empty and I hate it. Maybe this is result of some kind of hormonal imbalance, maybe it is because I haven't seen some of the people I really need right now, or maybe it is just because I'm not ready to accept that it is once again time to move on.
I've been truly blessed throughout these past four years and looking back I'm ashamed of how I've taken so many things for granted. I wish I could say things were going to change and i would miraculously get better, but we all know that isn't the case. I want to smile and mean it...I haven't done that in like a week (minus the extreme laughter with Eric last night)...a week without a genuine smile and feeling of happiness is rare and extremely odd. I hate this place of limbo and want it to be gone.
Tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities, adventures, and obstacles...perhaps I shall just get over myself and start living these last moments to their fullest.
Thanks for reading
B
I've always believed we had kindred spirits. Despite finally having the road in front of me paved, a plan perfectly set out for me by this great university, I still feel lost. I hope that once I've completed my 2 years in graduate school I'll be confident that the years were not wasted, but instead incredibly useful, but no one can really know how they'll feel 2 years from now. Everything in life is a gamble, but if you don't play the game you'll never get anywhere.
ReplyDeleteThe best thing about next year is you get to move forward, you get to try being someone new, and I get to be with you when you do it. I can't wait to laugh with you like old times. The thought of spending evenings together is something that gets me through the fear.
And Brandon, nothing you do could ever be insignificant. You have truly touched more lives than you'll ever know. I love you.
P.s. sorry this was corny but I had some corn chowder this morning and I haven't gone to the bathroom since so I had to let it out somehow
P.P.s that thing about not going to the bathroom since this morning is a damaging lie, but you get the point