This is a great device when weighing the pros and cons of a relationship. I'm able to reflect my random thoughts without concern. Everyone could see this if they knew how to find me, but sometimes I like being hidden from the world. The reality sinks in that I may just be another normal human being. Humans tend to think they deserve the best. I made the comment that I DO deserve the best, and upon reflecting on that I realize all to quick that the best is roughly defined. What determines perfection, and who is asking for it? I thought last Thursday, which I will always remember, was the first time I gave into my fear, felt nerves I didn't know existed and put my heart on the line to be broken.
August 10th @ 2am is the day he will always remember. The day he lay looking at the man of his dreams asking to spend the rest of their lives together. A simple thumb ring became a beacon of hope for love not to die. Thursday, November 13, 2008 9:30pm...I confess I've fallen in love only for both of us to remain broken inside.
My life is better now. My life is broken though. I dream of the nights I can hold him close...the touch of his lips on mine. The fear of watching him leave is so real, and after every film ends I wonder if we will too. Expectations are cruel to me because I lack the ability to leave them behind. Deep down, I know he isn't the one for me, yet in my head as I write those defying words, I feel he is the only one. August 10th has me beat. First love leaves a burn so deep nothing can heal the wound....his is still fresh, and it has been years.
What saddens me the most is to think about the future if he ever did feel we could be together forever. At that moment he builds the courage to ask, sadly I would wonder if he thinks back to the night he had it all planned. Like a dagger in my heart, a tear is shed from my swollen eye in pain of lost love. I never will be good enough for him. Why do you I want it so badly. Why can't he see the wonderful things I have to offer...or do I.
What happened to me in the past is so different. I have come to terms with it as much as possible. Spending time with him however makes the process of allowing emotion into my life difficult. I have almost become numb to my surroundings and tend to ask myself what I'm doing. Sitting here at 21 on a couch all alone seems normal, but lonely. I could be home with my family, but would I be happy. I could be back in my job around 60 young men who need help, but would I be happy. I could convince myself that he is the one for me, but am I willing to work?
Am I willing to be honest that I still have secrets hidden from the world...hidden from myself? I want him to yearn for the love and satisfaction I can give. I want him to grab my face softly and give me a tender kiss. I want to look in his eyes, feel his pain, and release it, giving him hope in the future. I want to be his everything, and still after a huge confession, he doesn't understand.
I'm a little stronger then I thought I was, but I'm still vulnerable and easy to break. If this doesn't work, even with nothing happening, will I crumble? When he leaves in May, will I be able to cope with him leaving my life, perhaps for good? There are so many questions about this relationship that are left to be unanswered and I can't handle it. I want to know the answers. I want to know the truth. I want to know love, but I want to know love with him.
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