Sad Thoughts on a Rainy Day

The past weekend has been very interesting.  On Thursday of last week I finally bought the final season of Will & Grace.  For those of you who know me and know me well, I vicariously try to live my life through the characters on this television show.  I know that sounds incredibly asinine, but it is a device that calms my nerves and eases my pain.  

I spent an entire day watching most of the season.  Knowing that I had to depart for St. Louis the next morning, I finally entered my slumber around 3am Friday morning.  I didn't sleep at all that night because I couldn't help but think of themes presented on the show.  In one episode Will has a fight with his father.  George (Will's dad) states that he wishes Will didn't have a hard life, and that if he had the choice, he would wish for Will to be straight.  

It was one of the most touching episodes to watch in my opinion.  It becomes unfortunate that this fight is the last memory Will has of his father as George has a heart attach a few days later. I cried not because the television show was depressing, but because I realize my own situation isn't a golden bridge.  

Both my father and my mother have the most difficult time accepting me, and it is really starting to affect the way I view my own sexuality.  I've been having thoughts lately that maybe I am suppose to be somebody I am not.  I can not shake the fact that my mind is traveling in numerous places and to be completely honest... I am lost.  I thought I had everything figured out and it could be my emotionality of the show, but honestly I can't figure out what I am.  

I'm scared right now.  I yearn so badly for the stories I watch on this show that I'm afraid I am setting myself up for disaster in the real world.  I sit at home alone most nights, and never do anything to change it.  I know it is my own fault and that I should put myself out there...literally talk to other guys.  I just don't feel anything lately.  

That was a little bit of tangent, but it ties into right now.  Two hours ago I watched the final episodes of Will & Grace and realized that I have closed a chapter in my life.  Sure I will continue to watch the seasons, but I finally have the closure I have been waiting for.  I know how their story ends, and now I want to figure out my own.  

This leads to the next sad factor of today.  I had a great weekend in St. Louis.  I spent entirely to much money and had a great time with my friends, but when I returned to work this evening I was informed that a young first year student passed away in the Hall I work in last night.  

It occurred to me that there have been numerous deaths around me, and for the first time in a while I have no clue how to respond.  I don't have words of consolation to say, nor do I have any religious affiliation to make things seems better.  

Now the part that I'm in denial about.  I care about people, and I think that shows, but I'm having a lot of trouble in one of my relationships, and that is the relationship with my mother.  I have begun to worry about her well being as her relationship with her best friend puts more strain on her life than I could imagine.  I'm getting sucked in and don't know how to get out.  My mother seems powerless in her situation, and I tell her that she is the only one that can fix it, but the reality is that her resources are slim.   

People make mistakes no doubt, but why do we become blind.  My family is starting to "fall" apart.  On the outside layer I feel we exemplify a typical nuclear family.  However, the reality is that my family lacks the experience to communicate effectively.  Sadly, I do my best to teach by example, but nothing seems to break old habits.  I'm beginning to fall into the "normalities" that my family has used since I can remember.  Needless to say I blame myself at times, but also try to separate myself and say that I have a chance to be something different...something better.  

Sexual identity crisis, accepting parents, death, financial insecurity, and the end of Will & Grace....these things combined have utterly ruined this day glorifying the message that rainy days sometimes send...

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