I realized that I have become somewhat of a loaner. I like it though, and that could be the most frightening part. For example, where as the freshman I met tonight loves to go to the movies, and has a "my little steamer" (which I totally want to get now), I'm the guy who enjoys sitting at home on a Friday night alone with a glass of wine, soft music, and my sewing machine.
I've become incredibly OCD about certain things. I clean a lot now. I love feeling fresh, or looking a crisp room that has just been dusted, it really does bring a sense of joy to my life. Sadly, I fear others think I'm a little crazy and as a result I'm starting to feel like I don't fit in.
I still have all my friends and social gatherings, but now more than ever being alone is all I know how to do. Well maybe not the only thing I know how to do, but it is the fact that being alone in my apartment is my comfort. I'm rarely afraid, scared, disturbed, or upset when I'm in my oasis. It is hard to believe that I have lived in this apartment by myself for almost 9 months now. I'm so proud of the house I have built and the friends and family that occupy it at different times.
Another interesting thing that happened to me today was a meeting with my Communications and Popular Culture professor. As I turned in my final paper (which I was not happy with), she sat me down and discussed grad school with me. I love when professors take the time out of their days to connect with students. Dr. Donnelly is so inspirational to me. She is a vivacious red head on a mission, and never content with monotony. Getting back to our conversation, she said something to me that really made my day. She said, "Brandon, I really feel like you have a gift. I sit in class and listen to your perspectives and idea's in total shock that you ponder such things. You are a talented critical thinker." Me? Talented in critical thinking? I laughed to myself and thanked her, but she went on to talk about academia and how although it would be hard work, I could make a difference. I guess I was just so touched by the fact that she felt I could handle it. I don't know why I doubt myself, but being intellectual is not one of my strong suits.
I've been looking at grad schools lately, and have a couple intriguing options. I can't believe that in 3 days, I will be classified as a senior. It is just so weird that this journey is entering its final chapter. I remember the before I left for college when Mo, Lo, and myself packed my room, danced, etc. The video is somewhere in cyberspace, but now things just seem so adult. Am I really going to go to graduate and continue with higher education? I'm thrilled for the possibility.
I'm feeling content right now, and I like that feeling. Mandy had Carley Taylin on Sunday. She is so cute, but I wont get to see her for about a week and a half. I love my family, I love my friends, I hate not having a job or knowing whether I will be the admissions intern next year, but everything is okay right now....minus the fact that I have to clean my bathroom hardcore before Amanda moves in on Saturday...
OH YEAH....I'm getting a roommate. Amanda is one of my best friends at BSU and we connect on some cosmic level. I adore the woman and I think we will be great roommates. It will also be good practice for my upcoming move into a house of five.
That is all for now.
I don't even know where to start with you, my love. All I want to say is, you're not a "loner" because we really did get married in the 2nd grade, we just told everyone we didn't. It's ok. The secret is out. Soo..when I am really scared alone in my apartment next year you can come comfort me as it is your duty as my gay husband. Also, you do have a gift. I don't know how many different people can tell you so that you will actually believe it. You're a beautiful person, with a wonderful heart and great compassion.
ReplyDeleteI love you.
~M