Kindness

I know there are days that I truly despise the world and everything in it. Call it being pre-menstrual or whatever you please, but I get so angry when people are rude. Granted I certainly have my moments where I forget monumental things such as birthdays, graduations, anniversaries, etc, but little things like saying "thank you" or respectfully disagreeing with a spouse or whatever the situation may be should be considered second nature in my eyes.

I bring this point up because of my brother's situation. I become increasingly affected by his horrid daily decisions and yet he remains selfish to think that the world in its entirety is revolving around the misfortune of his life. My brother is a mean man who makes awful decisions and as a result has lost my family's trust. He is rude, disrespectful, and ignorant to everyone around him, and I fear it stems from a lost relationship and nurtured traits acquired from my father. Neither of these men are prominent in my life and I think that could make me the luckiest man alive.

My mother and sister raised me to have a heart and use compassion as a main facet to any relationship I am in. My father lacks the knowledge to understand human emotion and as a result I sometimes feel he suffers from depression. I know we all have our problems, but my brother is simply acting the way my father did towards my mother 21 years ago, and that is not okay.

If I were to talk to Justin and knew that he was truly listening I would say something like...

Aren't you tired yet....of having to defend your every action out of fear that those around you are going to ridicule you. Stop doing what you have always done and put your trust in the family that loves you. Don't think that we are hurting your image or ganging up on you, simply take what we have to say and use it to better yourself. It is time to grow up and take responsibility for your family, and more importantly your wife and children. You have made decisions that require sacrifice in your life, and whether you like that or not you have uphold your duty as a father and husband. You have all the time in the world to turn around the unfortunate things that have happened to you, and I'm sorry about all those things. Granted, I know we don't have the strongest relationship, but it doesn't mean I don't love you or care. If anything I care too much, and have become afraid to approach this situation knowing what kind of reaction could follow. Please take this letter as from someone who is generally concerned about your health and well being and ask for help when trying to make the big change. You are not weak and can get through this with the help of those who truly want only the best for you.

I don't even know how to end this post, but it comes from an hour long conversation I had with my mother last night. I know I sometimes have complaints about her, but deep down, I wouldn't trade her for the world. She is a fabulous woman and we have a great relationship. Her pain accumulated over the past from my father, steve, and Justin just aggravates me, but the talks we have, like the one last night, really make me proud of her and proud to be her son.

I love you mom.

B

Oh the places I go

It has been roughly a week since I last updated and I need to relay information as to where my family stands. 

Justin's case is extremely complicated from what I have gained and at this point he is not in jail.  He has another court hearing in August and a possible trial after that, but all I know is that things are not looking so good.  I find Justin being ungrateful about the financial help and support he is receiving, which boggles my mind because this is costing my family a pretty penny.  Justin isn't paying for a thing, and as a result I resent his attitude.  

To clear things up...I love my brother, but sincerely hope that someday he finds the internal strength to seek professional attention.  He needs to learn to effectively deal with his anger resulting from his past endeavors and learn to communicate with his peers and family on a more positive level.  He is brash, selfish, and sincerely mean sometimes.  I keep him in my thoughts often, but more importantly his family because I love all of them so much.  Mandie is amazing and as I continue to enhance my relationship I fall more and more in love with her.  Garret and Carley are priceless and I couldn't be more thrilled to be their uncle.  

I think it means more to me to be involved with these children because I don't know what will happen with my own.  If Justin does end up in jail through this whole mess, the family will be forever changed and I can't navigate in my head currently where anyone will end up.  

Next, my sister had her baby.  He is a beautiful baby boy, Charles Matthew Butler (Charlie).  I love him so much and more importantly stand thrilled and utterly proud of my sister for following through with yet another thing she said would NEVER happen.  Tony and Jammie are the most fitting parents in my eyes.  There love for each other runs deep and it shows so passionately.  I admire them and the way they are beginning their family.  

Moving into my main facet of stress recently...my mother.  Granted folks, I love the woman, I really do, but oh my golly while at home this last week I had no control over my overwhelming disliking of her attitude.   I honestly don't understand her rational sometimes...it is completely opposite from what she once taught me.  Mainly I'm talking about love, but my mother has fallen into the pit of pain and it is difficult to get her out.  So many people have tried, but it is almost like she likes it down there.  I listen to her cry, I hear her scream, I understand her disappointment at her children's ability to not understand her contributions to our lives, but when does this end.  I finally told her that if she didn't like something in her life, she was the only one that could change it.  

She questions me for being too textbook, but I feel my mother doesn't understand the traumatic experiences I have been through and why I talk the way I do.  I've learned so much on how to protect myself and how to help others, and I just want to share that.  She is so stubborn though and it drives me nuts.  

More than anything I just want my mother back.  I remember the days I could go in her room in the morning and cuddle and we would talk for hours then make breakfast at two in the afternoon.  I miss my childhood with my mother, but I want an adulthood with her to and I'm afraid I may never get that if she insist on being tied into an ugly love situation.  It is not easy for her I'm sure, and I know she is in pain right now, but I wish she would let me try and help, or listen to those around her.  My mother is a phenomenal woman, and there is no doubt in my mind about that, but she has changed...we all have.  That does not have to be a bad thing.

I have a job!  GO SCOTTYS BREWHOUSE!!  More to come on that later I'm sure.  

I too have found myself in an odd romance situation.  For the record (for all of you who know)...it is ending...PERIOD!  We all know that I am better than that and deserve only the finest happiness....LOL!  

I'm doing well, relaxing maybe a little to much, poorer than poor can be, and trying to remain optimistic in some difficult times.  

B