As I was starring at a Norman Rockwell puzzle affixed to my wall today I came to the realization that blogging was not only an expression of my past, but also a part of my pastime. Aside from the clutter of a type A, obsessive compulsive, gay man, I function at a relatively high level. I would say that beyond the inability to control my food intake, I am motivated and intentional about most of the decisions I make. However, the recent realization...I'm procrastinating life because I've never been more terrified.
In a matter of hours on this glorious day in Indiana, I have managed to have 4 cups of coffee, an brilliant counseling session with a best friend, and another positive client interaction. For these things, I am grateful. However, I find myself emotionally drained from an early afternoon tea that did nothing but reiterate the fact that I'm in more denial than I thought. While confident about most things in my life, I'd say today I'm experiencing feelings of trepidation like never before.
I want a job. Obviously I want a job and want it bad. Real money sounds delicious and well deserved. However, I struggle (seriously...I have a physiological reaction to) the stress of not being a student as of 65 days from now. As terrifying or not terrifying as that may be, I cannot process that my life is about to change. I'll be completely out of control (P.s. for those that don't know...I'm a control freak), and I'll be powerless to change it...sort of. I have come to realize that adaptation takes at least a year. One must encounter culture shock, anger, fear, and happiness. These things are only just the beginning of an experience I call graduate school.
To summarize this experience would be completely unnecessary and overly dramatic as I have also learned that nothing is bland in my vocabulary. My friends think I'm outrageous and instead of deny that identity, I plan to embrace it with confidence.
Note: IM OUTRAGEOUS
With that in the back of your mind ("your" meaning that I assume there is at least one person in the world who will see this) understand that this has been the best and most challenging experience of my life. I never thought I would graduate with a masters...and since I haven't yet, let us not hold our breath. Instead lets examine the fact that in an effort to sabotage my own success, I'm lazy in applying for jobs and am holding onto a possibility in DC that probably will not pan out.
Note: IM LOST
In sort, as I become agitated while writing this...I feel like I'm traveling in an unknown direction and nothing makes sense. I'm happy. This I know to be true. I'm also scared. This could be a figment of my imagination, or it could be the result that I have to grow up, suck it up, and be the change I want to see in the world.
L,
B
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