It is when I watch true love stories that my mind begins to question who I really am.  I feel in constant struggle  with my emotional well being and it pains me to say it, but I always feel so alone after movies like "The Notebook."  

I watched that movie tonight and for the first time I saw its true beauty.  I never really took liking to the film when it was first released but now after watching it I feel so bitterly sad about my future, yet so full of love I could burst.  

A single tear ran down my face in the ending scene.  When I watched the movie years ago a single tear ran down my face at the end of the movie.  I think I have loved numerous times, but I have never felt the kind of connection I felt with this film tonight.  I want so badly to find someone and I'm starting to second guess myself on a lot of things. 

I don't know who I am suppose to be with and it drives me nuts.  I know I have the ability to love somebody whole heartedly, but I also know that I will have to work extremely hard because I am stubborn, selfish, egotistical, and immature at times.  

Rachel McAdams is timeless to me and the relationship she has with Ryan in the film is spectacular.  I'm jealous I'll admit, but is it possible for two men to love each other the way they do.  I have never seen any relationship in my time last a life time other than my grandparents.  When the two pass in the end of the movie I'm confronted with the realization that soon my grandparents will pass.  

Today in about 9 hours my grandpa is having kidney surgery.  He has cancerous cells on the only kidney he has left and the doctors are not sure what they are going to find.  I'm concerned that something could go wrong, or that this may be the beginning of the end.  I just can't imagine my grandmother being alone without him.  I don't know what is going to happen, but I know one thing for sure.  They have loved each other their entire lives.  

I too hope I can find someone who completes the wholeness that Rachel's character spoke of, but until then I need to find a way to feel more confident in myself.  I hate heart break for anyone...when my friends ache so do I.  

This blog makes little sense other than the fact that I want to fall in love and be happy.  I wonder how long I will have to wait...or if I really am meant to be alone.   That was a completely cop out comment, but I feel it right now.  

I'm not upset or mad currently, but I am sad.   I shouldn't be because their are so many great things going well in my life right now.  I'm grateful for sure but anxious to figure out what happens next in my story...

stay tuned...