I simply adore looking back on how inadequate some of my blog post are. I'm doing well. I'm happy. Call me...maybe?
Much love,
Brandon
Monday, September 17, 2012
Thursday, March 1, 2012
The Saturday (actually Thursday) Post
As I was starring at a Norman Rockwell puzzle affixed to my wall today I came to the realization that blogging was not only an expression of my past, but also a part of my pastime. Aside from the clutter of a type A, obsessive compulsive, gay man, I function at a relatively high level. I would say that beyond the inability to control my food intake, I am motivated and intentional about most of the decisions I make. However, the recent realization...I'm procrastinating life because I've never been more terrified.
In a matter of hours on this glorious day in Indiana, I have managed to have 4 cups of coffee, an brilliant counseling session with a best friend, and another positive client interaction. For these things, I am grateful. However, I find myself emotionally drained from an early afternoon tea that did nothing but reiterate the fact that I'm in more denial than I thought. While confident about most things in my life, I'd say today I'm experiencing feelings of trepidation like never before.
I want a job. Obviously I want a job and want it bad. Real money sounds delicious and well deserved. However, I struggle (seriously...I have a physiological reaction to) the stress of not being a student as of 65 days from now. As terrifying or not terrifying as that may be, I cannot process that my life is about to change. I'll be completely out of control (P.s. for those that don't know...I'm a control freak), and I'll be powerless to change it...sort of. I have come to realize that adaptation takes at least a year. One must encounter culture shock, anger, fear, and happiness. These things are only just the beginning of an experience I call graduate school.
To summarize this experience would be completely unnecessary and overly dramatic as I have also learned that nothing is bland in my vocabulary. My friends think I'm outrageous and instead of deny that identity, I plan to embrace it with confidence.
Note: IM OUTRAGEOUS
With that in the back of your mind ("your" meaning that I assume there is at least one person in the world who will see this) understand that this has been the best and most challenging experience of my life. I never thought I would graduate with a masters...and since I haven't yet, let us not hold our breath. Instead lets examine the fact that in an effort to sabotage my own success, I'm lazy in applying for jobs and am holding onto a possibility in DC that probably will not pan out.
Note: IM LOST
In sort, as I become agitated while writing this...I feel like I'm traveling in an unknown direction and nothing makes sense. I'm happy. This I know to be true. I'm also scared. This could be a figment of my imagination, or it could be the result that I have to grow up, suck it up, and be the change I want to see in the world.
L,
B
In a matter of hours on this glorious day in Indiana, I have managed to have 4 cups of coffee, an brilliant counseling session with a best friend, and another positive client interaction. For these things, I am grateful. However, I find myself emotionally drained from an early afternoon tea that did nothing but reiterate the fact that I'm in more denial than I thought. While confident about most things in my life, I'd say today I'm experiencing feelings of trepidation like never before.
I want a job. Obviously I want a job and want it bad. Real money sounds delicious and well deserved. However, I struggle (seriously...I have a physiological reaction to) the stress of not being a student as of 65 days from now. As terrifying or not terrifying as that may be, I cannot process that my life is about to change. I'll be completely out of control (P.s. for those that don't know...I'm a control freak), and I'll be powerless to change it...sort of. I have come to realize that adaptation takes at least a year. One must encounter culture shock, anger, fear, and happiness. These things are only just the beginning of an experience I call graduate school.
To summarize this experience would be completely unnecessary and overly dramatic as I have also learned that nothing is bland in my vocabulary. My friends think I'm outrageous and instead of deny that identity, I plan to embrace it with confidence.
Note: IM OUTRAGEOUS
With that in the back of your mind ("your" meaning that I assume there is at least one person in the world who will see this) understand that this has been the best and most challenging experience of my life. I never thought I would graduate with a masters...and since I haven't yet, let us not hold our breath. Instead lets examine the fact that in an effort to sabotage my own success, I'm lazy in applying for jobs and am holding onto a possibility in DC that probably will not pan out.
Note: IM LOST
In sort, as I become agitated while writing this...I feel like I'm traveling in an unknown direction and nothing makes sense. I'm happy. This I know to be true. I'm also scared. This could be a figment of my imagination, or it could be the result that I have to grow up, suck it up, and be the change I want to see in the world.
L,
B
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Summer Recap -
While I haven't logged this experience to the best of my ability because as always, I lose motivation as I acclimate myself with the surroundings, I'm happy to say it has been a wonderful experience. I'm entering my final week at the National Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce and couldn't be more satisfied with my first ever internship experience.
Over the past 2.5 months I have developed truly amazing professional relationships. Additionally, I have made some great friends both in and out of the NGLCC. I've experienced what living in a metropolitan setting feels like, and in comparison to Indiana, I really like it. However, this summer has left me more confused and perplexed about what my next career move should be. I'll have the opportunity to come back here, and plan on working in some capacity over the next 9 months with the NGLCC. What I need to decide is how to capitalize on the final chapter of my education (final for now that is).
Learning is a life long process, but there are unspeakable things I have gathered from this experience that are difficult to articulate simply because I can't describe them. For example, there is a learned ability to deal with loneliness when you literally have nothing to satisfy your need for affection, friendship, and human interaction. I never had that issue in Indiana. If I was lonely, it was because I put myself in that situation.
I also feel more empowered to make drastic decisions. Leaving Indiana may in fact be the most difficult thing I ever do because the people I truly love...my family, my friends, my schools...it is all I have ever known. Whether happy or sad (depending how you look at it) this is an opportunity for me to capitalize on my passion and regain strength that I've lost over the past years. I never thought of myself as a pessimist, but I'm realizing just saying I'm an optimist is truly an injustice to those around me. I feel inspired here, I feel like me, I feel lost, but I'm content and more able to breath the optimism I thrive on.
Opportunity is never-ending, and for the first time I see it in front of my face rather than searching for it. This summer has changed me. I knew it would, and I'll be measuring the effects months after I leave, but I can tell you have laid a new set of tracks as an option for my journey.
I'm excited to return to Indiana refreshed. My sister always has a way of making my life seem less amazing. I'm sure she doesn't do this with negative intention, but she mentioned the other day, "get ready to come back to reality, your gay little DC life will end soon." While she has a point that this summer will end and I'll enter another chapter in my life, I refuse to accept her notion that this life will end. Where ever I end up in a year...I'll do me. I'm more comfortable in my skin, and excited for the possibility that the future holds.
I'm going to take the next week to count my blessings, breath in the extremely hot DC air, and permeate my positive attitude in our nations capital!
Cheers!
Over the past 2.5 months I have developed truly amazing professional relationships. Additionally, I have made some great friends both in and out of the NGLCC. I've experienced what living in a metropolitan setting feels like, and in comparison to Indiana, I really like it. However, this summer has left me more confused and perplexed about what my next career move should be. I'll have the opportunity to come back here, and plan on working in some capacity over the next 9 months with the NGLCC. What I need to decide is how to capitalize on the final chapter of my education (final for now that is).
Learning is a life long process, but there are unspeakable things I have gathered from this experience that are difficult to articulate simply because I can't describe them. For example, there is a learned ability to deal with loneliness when you literally have nothing to satisfy your need for affection, friendship, and human interaction. I never had that issue in Indiana. If I was lonely, it was because I put myself in that situation.
I also feel more empowered to make drastic decisions. Leaving Indiana may in fact be the most difficult thing I ever do because the people I truly love...my family, my friends, my schools...it is all I have ever known. Whether happy or sad (depending how you look at it) this is an opportunity for me to capitalize on my passion and regain strength that I've lost over the past years. I never thought of myself as a pessimist, but I'm realizing just saying I'm an optimist is truly an injustice to those around me. I feel inspired here, I feel like me, I feel lost, but I'm content and more able to breath the optimism I thrive on.
Opportunity is never-ending, and for the first time I see it in front of my face rather than searching for it. This summer has changed me. I knew it would, and I'll be measuring the effects months after I leave, but I can tell you have laid a new set of tracks as an option for my journey.
I'm excited to return to Indiana refreshed. My sister always has a way of making my life seem less amazing. I'm sure she doesn't do this with negative intention, but she mentioned the other day, "get ready to come back to reality, your gay little DC life will end soon." While she has a point that this summer will end and I'll enter another chapter in my life, I refuse to accept her notion that this life will end. Where ever I end up in a year...I'll do me. I'm more comfortable in my skin, and excited for the possibility that the future holds.
I'm going to take the next week to count my blessings, breath in the extremely hot DC air, and permeate my positive attitude in our nations capital!
Cheers!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
DC Independence
Good evening, Bloggers.
I hope you had an amazing fourth of July. It is my favorite holiday (mostly because my birthday follows two days later) and this year was extra special because I spent it in DC.
There is something electric about this city during political holidays. I love the energy that runs through everything, literally everything. I feel like the people are more excited, the metro runs at faster speeds, the food tastes better, and everything seems to just gel well.
Needless to say the fireworks were amazing and I had a great time meeting new people.
In other news...I'm down to the final countdown (sort of) I have 25 days left in this city, most of which are planned out and full of events. Thus I feel as though the summer is over and I'll encounter one final year of school before finally being on my own financially, and without class. The thought of that seems both terrifying and liberating. I find myself less stressed at present because 2 job offers sit on the table. Both are promising, but with 9 months till I'm on my way to full independence, how could I ever make a decision.
There are times when I doubt myself so much that I rather sleep all day. Is that depression? I try not to act scared a lot, but the truth is that I regularly fear the world around me and feel incapable of navigating through it without a safety net (e.g., my friends, family, living in Indiana, etc.)
I love DC without a doubt, but it has not been simple. Everything except my social life is perfect, and while I have been meeting people left and right, the connections I have developed are surface level. I guess that expectation is unrealistic. Coming to DC for three months and expecting a new best friend is far fetched I realize, but I do feel lonely sometimes. However, I'm not alone which is great. I've done things by myself that I never thought I would do and I'm proud to say that it regains my confidence in being self-sufficient.
The other day I walked the national mall and realized that now more than ever I have the capability of navigating my own journey. I need to get over myself and learn what true devotion feels like. I want to maintain my friendships from back at home while building new networks to support a potentially big change in my life come May 2012. I want to go sky diving, and travel, and learn more without sitting in a classroom. I want to go to a bar by myself and meet nice guys who could turn into something amazing...all in time I guess.
I should also mention that this blog is a distraction from writing my final paper for a 20 day intensive course at IU. I'm prolonging the inevitable, which means I'm rambling and for that I apologize.
Have a great week!
B
I hope you had an amazing fourth of July. It is my favorite holiday (mostly because my birthday follows two days later) and this year was extra special because I spent it in DC.
There is something electric about this city during political holidays. I love the energy that runs through everything, literally everything. I feel like the people are more excited, the metro runs at faster speeds, the food tastes better, and everything seems to just gel well.
Needless to say the fireworks were amazing and I had a great time meeting new people.
In other news...I'm down to the final countdown (sort of) I have 25 days left in this city, most of which are planned out and full of events. Thus I feel as though the summer is over and I'll encounter one final year of school before finally being on my own financially, and without class. The thought of that seems both terrifying and liberating. I find myself less stressed at present because 2 job offers sit on the table. Both are promising, but with 9 months till I'm on my way to full independence, how could I ever make a decision.
There are times when I doubt myself so much that I rather sleep all day. Is that depression? I try not to act scared a lot, but the truth is that I regularly fear the world around me and feel incapable of navigating through it without a safety net (e.g., my friends, family, living in Indiana, etc.)
I love DC without a doubt, but it has not been simple. Everything except my social life is perfect, and while I have been meeting people left and right, the connections I have developed are surface level. I guess that expectation is unrealistic. Coming to DC for three months and expecting a new best friend is far fetched I realize, but I do feel lonely sometimes. However, I'm not alone which is great. I've done things by myself that I never thought I would do and I'm proud to say that it regains my confidence in being self-sufficient.
The other day I walked the national mall and realized that now more than ever I have the capability of navigating my own journey. I need to get over myself and learn what true devotion feels like. I want to maintain my friendships from back at home while building new networks to support a potentially big change in my life come May 2012. I want to go sky diving, and travel, and learn more without sitting in a classroom. I want to go to a bar by myself and meet nice guys who could turn into something amazing...all in time I guess.
I should also mention that this blog is a distraction from writing my final paper for a 20 day intensive course at IU. I'm prolonging the inevitable, which means I'm rambling and for that I apologize.
Have a great week!
B
Thursday, June 9, 2011
DC Redefined
It has been almost 4 weeks since I arrived here. Today the weather was disgusting...100 degrees and humid. Currently, I am sitting on the roof of my CEO's condo asking how I got to this place. While I hesitate to gush for fear of being overly dramatic, I will say this experience is interesting.
I without a doubt love the job I am doing. The time and effort needed to make this organization run as effectively as it does shows in the work ethics of the small staff it employs. Additionally, I've been offered a tentative opportunity to return to the chamber upon completion of my degree next May. While daunting, and too real, I'm afraid this could be the right place for me.
Right now I'm looking off into the distance. A storm is brewing and the city lights are shining. The things running through my mind...love, electric bills, how much I miss the familiar, but how my apprehension to explore forces me to look past the known into the unknown. It is simply beautiful and compliments my personality better than Indiana (at least at present moment).
I've met some really great people while I've been here. I've talked to an elderly Korean man who provided wisdom about health and life, a sweet British woman lost and looking for the metro, which I walked her to, and so many others that continue to redefine why I'm here. I'm not here to work for a gay cause (I mean I am that too, but there is more to this puzzle). I'm here to challenge myself to think outside the box.
I become motivated to explore the creation of a business plan. A plan that I truly feel may have sincere potential considering the job market, the organizational outreach, and my own belief in something.
While I still have yet to find a DC love, I'm enjoying the process. I've met more guys in the four weeks I've been here than I ever did in DC. That is more opportunity for me to grow relationally. I'm excited for that opportunity as time goes on.
DC is treating me well (it is harassing the shit out of my wallet though), but I don't care because in the end I know things will work out and everything will be okay.
Cheers to the amazing time I'm having!
I without a doubt love the job I am doing. The time and effort needed to make this organization run as effectively as it does shows in the work ethics of the small staff it employs. Additionally, I've been offered a tentative opportunity to return to the chamber upon completion of my degree next May. While daunting, and too real, I'm afraid this could be the right place for me.
Right now I'm looking off into the distance. A storm is brewing and the city lights are shining. The things running through my mind...love, electric bills, how much I miss the familiar, but how my apprehension to explore forces me to look past the known into the unknown. It is simply beautiful and compliments my personality better than Indiana (at least at present moment).
I've met some really great people while I've been here. I've talked to an elderly Korean man who provided wisdom about health and life, a sweet British woman lost and looking for the metro, which I walked her to, and so many others that continue to redefine why I'm here. I'm not here to work for a gay cause (I mean I am that too, but there is more to this puzzle). I'm here to challenge myself to think outside the box.
I become motivated to explore the creation of a business plan. A plan that I truly feel may have sincere potential considering the job market, the organizational outreach, and my own belief in something.
While I still have yet to find a DC love, I'm enjoying the process. I've met more guys in the four weeks I've been here than I ever did in DC. That is more opportunity for me to grow relationally. I'm excited for that opportunity as time goes on.
DC is treating me well (it is harassing the shit out of my wallet though), but I don't care because in the end I know things will work out and everything will be okay.
Cheers to the amazing time I'm having!
Friday, May 13, 2011
Departure
Today will remain a historical landmark in the history of my existence. In less than an hour I will make my way to Indianapolis to depart for Washington, DC.
This summer I'll be working for the National Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce, and although I am incredibly intimidated, I remain excited for the possibility of continued self-exploration.
For the first time in my life, I will reside in a place outside of Indiana for an extended period. While many know my self-sufficient and independent attitude have taken me far, I must admit feelings of trepidation cloud my mind as I write this. I have little knowledge of working for a face-paced/8-5/corporate America position that requires a certain level of ferocity I question exists in my soul. Additionally, as much as this place bores me, it is home and what I'm used to.
While I push the students I work with to step outside of their comfort zones, I have the most difficult time accepting this sentiment for myself. It adds stress I usually avoid and overall intimidates me. However, I'm ready to be challenged in exploring more of my sexual identity in this process and as a result feel just as much liberated as scared.
DC is a beautiful place and I imagine I will continue to write about spots in the area that mean something to me. I can tell you right now that the Roosevelt Monument is my favorite at present. Somewhat of a hidden gem, this place uses water as a focal point to tell a story, a story I find relevant to any American's life in some capacity.
My journey is only beginning, and regardless the unknown, I'm thrilled to have the opportunity to explore. Stay tuned for updates on my DC adventures.
Will there be love? Heartbreak? Intrigue? Morality? ...WHO KNOWS!
L,
B
Monday, January 31, 2011
Greetings
In an attempt to remain grounded I'll only provide the most basic details. Yes, I've been gone for quite sometime, but grad school is going well.
Additionally, I've known a man for less than 48 hours and find myself completely smitten at this point. What is to become of this? Stay tuned...
B
Additionally, I've known a man for less than 48 hours and find myself completely smitten at this point. What is to become of this? Stay tuned...
B
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