Always - Scott Alan

If there are times

That you are feeling weak

Lay next to me

I'll hold you till you fall asleep

Anytime of day

There's nothing to explain

I'm always on your side

Hold onto me

I'll steel you from the hardest days

Don't be afraid

You have me here to guide your way

For life I will be here

I will not disappear

I'm always on your side

Always....

Always....

Always....

Always....

And on my heart

I promise I will see you through

When storms appear

I'm always here to hold onto

I'll be here day and night

to help the fears subside

I'm always on your side

Anytime of day

There's nothing to explain

I'm always on your side...

** Find this on youtube...you will love it! It has touched my life!

B

OMG

Yes it has been a very long time, but when something huge happens...that moves me this much..I have to say something!

Without disclosing names, someone I have absolutely adored and completely crushed on just came out to me. Being a little older, this person is simply stunning, and although he is currently in a relationship, I can't help but wonder if we can be together someday. Everything about it is all wrong, but the following is what I know:

I have always liked him

I have always thought he was gay

I'm willing to drop everything to try

He has everything I want and more

I would have to work so hard

We would argue and get angry

He is compassionate and dreamy

OMG...I'm on cloud freaking nine right now and I can't even explain my emotions in words. I feel giddy and excited about a boy again and that is great.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHG

I wish I could act more mature about this, but have you ever bee so excited that you are going to burst at the seams? It just boggles my mind...ya know. For years I questioned myself and I was getting all the signals. His story is so interesting and he really is my kind of guy. Totally butch and sexy, but more importantly he is smart and cunning. His smile makes me melt and I can't even stand the fact that he is with someone else.

Is this something that I go for....it is more risky than anything I have ever done!! A huge process. I feel like it could be the most rewarding thing I do, even if it means securing a strong friendship.

Is this really happening.......everything I am concerned about right now just drifted away because I am genuinely happy...like oh my fucking god, balls to the freaking walls... elated about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness!!

Okay thats all...

Wow

I'm exhausted and home sick!

I'll get through this I know, but sometimes the middle just blows!

Thats all for now...

B

Hello World

So it has been a long time since my last update. I have a few things to comment on.

First off, Amanda is moving out on Saturday. Living with someone for three months is truly an experience. It is a bitter sweet moment for me because Amanda and I are friends, but have this way of just living together, but separate. I have had fun and I'm glad to be moving on from this section of my life.

I move in about a week. It is so scary to think that I have been in this place for one year working on my soul. I must say as I pack my apartment away, the unit becomes less and less mine and more dismal. I'm nervous for the future because once again I have become content in my present situation. I've lost myself in many ways this year including love and right now...at this very moment....I feel fine. I'm happy and content with most things.

I have made a minor decision that I want to share with those who read this blog. It is nothing great, but something that means something to me.

The first weekend I moved into this apartment I received a gift from some friends. It was a frame, wrapped in canvas, scribed with a quote. It reads, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Lived the life you have imagined." - Thoreau

This piece of art will be the last thing I grab when I leave this apartment. It has so much symbolic meaning behind it for me, and I feel it has become one of my most prized possessions. First, I have the greatest friends in the world for without them I wouldn't be who I am today, but more importantly this gift helped save my life.

I know I wasn't in a good place when I moved into this apartment. Every time I glanced at that piece of canvas I was reminded of my commitment to grow and move on, and I think I have.

In much the same way I have overcome struggle in my life, I have to commend "Todd" (You should know who you are)

I'm so proud of everything this individual has accomplished in the past year. To discover oneself knowing that in a single heart beat your life can change, and then accept the dissonance between your mind, body, and soul all the while continuing to discover the meaning behind unspoken truths....it is remarkable. Todd, you have inspired to me to make changes in my life because you are so pure of heart. I truly feel a connection with you. A connection that is so deep, I sometimes feel your tears of pain fall on my heart into my soul. I want nothing more than the greatest happiness in your life, and can only hope that with time our story continues to enrich itself and encounter the most strange endeavors as they will keep our hearts growing together.

Currently, I'm content, and that is fine by me.

That is all.

Kindness

I know there are days that I truly despise the world and everything in it. Call it being pre-menstrual or whatever you please, but I get so angry when people are rude. Granted I certainly have my moments where I forget monumental things such as birthdays, graduations, anniversaries, etc, but little things like saying "thank you" or respectfully disagreeing with a spouse or whatever the situation may be should be considered second nature in my eyes.

I bring this point up because of my brother's situation. I become increasingly affected by his horrid daily decisions and yet he remains selfish to think that the world in its entirety is revolving around the misfortune of his life. My brother is a mean man who makes awful decisions and as a result has lost my family's trust. He is rude, disrespectful, and ignorant to everyone around him, and I fear it stems from a lost relationship and nurtured traits acquired from my father. Neither of these men are prominent in my life and I think that could make me the luckiest man alive.

My mother and sister raised me to have a heart and use compassion as a main facet to any relationship I am in. My father lacks the knowledge to understand human emotion and as a result I sometimes feel he suffers from depression. I know we all have our problems, but my brother is simply acting the way my father did towards my mother 21 years ago, and that is not okay.

If I were to talk to Justin and knew that he was truly listening I would say something like...

Aren't you tired yet....of having to defend your every action out of fear that those around you are going to ridicule you. Stop doing what you have always done and put your trust in the family that loves you. Don't think that we are hurting your image or ganging up on you, simply take what we have to say and use it to better yourself. It is time to grow up and take responsibility for your family, and more importantly your wife and children. You have made decisions that require sacrifice in your life, and whether you like that or not you have uphold your duty as a father and husband. You have all the time in the world to turn around the unfortunate things that have happened to you, and I'm sorry about all those things. Granted, I know we don't have the strongest relationship, but it doesn't mean I don't love you or care. If anything I care too much, and have become afraid to approach this situation knowing what kind of reaction could follow. Please take this letter as from someone who is generally concerned about your health and well being and ask for help when trying to make the big change. You are not weak and can get through this with the help of those who truly want only the best for you.

I don't even know how to end this post, but it comes from an hour long conversation I had with my mother last night. I know I sometimes have complaints about her, but deep down, I wouldn't trade her for the world. She is a fabulous woman and we have a great relationship. Her pain accumulated over the past from my father, steve, and Justin just aggravates me, but the talks we have, like the one last night, really make me proud of her and proud to be her son.

I love you mom.

B

Oh the places I go

It has been roughly a week since I last updated and I need to relay information as to where my family stands. 

Justin's case is extremely complicated from what I have gained and at this point he is not in jail.  He has another court hearing in August and a possible trial after that, but all I know is that things are not looking so good.  I find Justin being ungrateful about the financial help and support he is receiving, which boggles my mind because this is costing my family a pretty penny.  Justin isn't paying for a thing, and as a result I resent his attitude.  

To clear things up...I love my brother, but sincerely hope that someday he finds the internal strength to seek professional attention.  He needs to learn to effectively deal with his anger resulting from his past endeavors and learn to communicate with his peers and family on a more positive level.  He is brash, selfish, and sincerely mean sometimes.  I keep him in my thoughts often, but more importantly his family because I love all of them so much.  Mandie is amazing and as I continue to enhance my relationship I fall more and more in love with her.  Garret and Carley are priceless and I couldn't be more thrilled to be their uncle.  

I think it means more to me to be involved with these children because I don't know what will happen with my own.  If Justin does end up in jail through this whole mess, the family will be forever changed and I can't navigate in my head currently where anyone will end up.  

Next, my sister had her baby.  He is a beautiful baby boy, Charles Matthew Butler (Charlie).  I love him so much and more importantly stand thrilled and utterly proud of my sister for following through with yet another thing she said would NEVER happen.  Tony and Jammie are the most fitting parents in my eyes.  There love for each other runs deep and it shows so passionately.  I admire them and the way they are beginning their family.  

Moving into my main facet of stress recently...my mother.  Granted folks, I love the woman, I really do, but oh my golly while at home this last week I had no control over my overwhelming disliking of her attitude.   I honestly don't understand her rational sometimes...it is completely opposite from what she once taught me.  Mainly I'm talking about love, but my mother has fallen into the pit of pain and it is difficult to get her out.  So many people have tried, but it is almost like she likes it down there.  I listen to her cry, I hear her scream, I understand her disappointment at her children's ability to not understand her contributions to our lives, but when does this end.  I finally told her that if she didn't like something in her life, she was the only one that could change it.  

She questions me for being too textbook, but I feel my mother doesn't understand the traumatic experiences I have been through and why I talk the way I do.  I've learned so much on how to protect myself and how to help others, and I just want to share that.  She is so stubborn though and it drives me nuts.  

More than anything I just want my mother back.  I remember the days I could go in her room in the morning and cuddle and we would talk for hours then make breakfast at two in the afternoon.  I miss my childhood with my mother, but I want an adulthood with her to and I'm afraid I may never get that if she insist on being tied into an ugly love situation.  It is not easy for her I'm sure, and I know she is in pain right now, but I wish she would let me try and help, or listen to those around her.  My mother is a phenomenal woman, and there is no doubt in my mind about that, but she has changed...we all have.  That does not have to be a bad thing.

I have a job!  GO SCOTTYS BREWHOUSE!!  More to come on that later I'm sure.  

I too have found myself in an odd romance situation.  For the record (for all of you who know)...it is ending...PERIOD!  We all know that I am better than that and deserve only the finest happiness....LOL!  

I'm doing well, relaxing maybe a little to much, poorer than poor can be, and trying to remain optimistic in some difficult times.  

B

When it rains...it pours!

In a small update: 

My sister in law may have throat cancer 

My sister, Jammie, will have her baby induced next thursday

I'm still unemployed and trying so hard to find a job

The icing on the cake: 

My brother was arrested on a felony charge and could spend up to six years in prison.  

Things are difficult right now, but I have to remember to stay calm, pull together with my family, and be strong. 

Peace 

Defeat

I found out today that I was not selected as an Admissions Intern.  

I feel utterly defeated right now.  I was to confident and now after being jolted I feel awful.  After planning my senior year around the amazing opportunity, I now have to scramble to find a second plan.  

My chest actually hurts right now.  I really thought I had this, and I just can't imagine what I did wrong, or why I wasn't right.  I'm complaining and that needs to desist.  

That is the update for now.  Plan B coming soon...

B

Dinner Reflection

I went out to dinner with some friends tonight and met a college freshman who has been with partner in a monogamous relationship for a year and a half.  I couldn't help but sit there with envy as he told little stories about their relationship.  

I realized that I have become somewhat of a loaner.  I like it though, and that could be the most frightening part.  For example, where as the freshman I met tonight loves to go to the movies, and has a "my little steamer" (which I totally want to get now), I'm the guy who enjoys sitting at home on a Friday night alone with a glass of wine, soft music, and my sewing machine.  

I've become incredibly OCD about certain things.  I clean a lot now.  I love feeling fresh, or looking a crisp room that has just been dusted, it really does bring a sense of joy to my life.  Sadly, I fear others think I'm a little crazy and as a result I'm starting to feel like I don't fit in.  

I still have all my friends and social gatherings, but now more than ever being alone is all I know how to do.  Well maybe not the only thing I know how to do, but it is the fact that being alone in my apartment is my comfort.  I'm rarely afraid, scared, disturbed, or upset when I'm in my oasis.  It is hard to believe that I have lived in this apartment by myself for almost 9 months now.  I'm so proud of the house I have built and the friends and family that occupy it at different times.  

Another interesting thing that happened to me today was a meeting with my Communications and Popular Culture professor.  As I turned in my final paper (which I was not happy with), she sat me down and discussed grad school with me.  I love when professors take the time out of their days to connect with students.  Dr. Donnelly is so inspirational to me.  She is a vivacious red head on a mission, and never content with monotony.  Getting back to our conversation, she said something to me that really made my day.  She said, "Brandon, I really feel like you have a gift.  I sit in class and listen to your perspectives and idea's in total shock that you ponder such things.  You are a talented critical thinker."  Me?  Talented in critical thinking? I laughed to myself and thanked her, but she went on to talk about academia and how although it would be hard work, I could make a difference.  I guess I was just so touched by the fact that she felt I could handle it.  I don't know why I doubt myself, but being intellectual is not one of my strong suits.  

I've been looking at grad schools lately, and have a couple intriguing options.  I can't believe that in 3 days, I will be classified as a senior.   It is just so weird that this journey is entering its final chapter.  I remember the before I left for college when Mo, Lo, and myself packed my room, danced, etc.  The video is somewhere in cyberspace, but now things just seem so adult.  Am I really going to go to graduate and continue with higher education?  I'm thrilled for the possibility.  

I'm feeling content right now, and I like that feeling.   Mandy had Carley Taylin on Sunday.  She is so cute, but I wont get to see her for about a week and a half.  I love my family, I love my friends, I hate not having a job or knowing whether I will be the admissions intern next year, but everything is okay right now....minus the fact that I have to clean my bathroom hardcore before Amanda moves in on Saturday...

OH YEAH....I'm getting a roommate.  Amanda is one of my best friends at BSU and we connect on some cosmic level.  I adore the woman and I think we will be great roommates.  It will also be good practice for my upcoming move into a house of five.  

That is all for now.  

All Is Well

Currently I am working on being extremely productive.  With a long to-do list, it seems only natural to lay low for a while and just do it.  My hope is that after next Monday, April 27th, I will be one step closure to the conclusion of my Junior year.  I have a lot to finish tomorrow before a highly ridiculous Wednesday, and I leave Thursday for home to throw my sisters baby shower.  

I'm calm, collected, and a bit crazy.  The 3 C's always seem to creep into my life, but I like that.  

I'm excited for the next two weeks to pass, and have also decided that the Friday of finals will be devoted to a celebration...one hell of a drunken celebration!! 

B

Sad Thoughts on a Rainy Day

The past weekend has been very interesting.  On Thursday of last week I finally bought the final season of Will & Grace.  For those of you who know me and know me well, I vicariously try to live my life through the characters on this television show.  I know that sounds incredibly asinine, but it is a device that calms my nerves and eases my pain.  

I spent an entire day watching most of the season.  Knowing that I had to depart for St. Louis the next morning, I finally entered my slumber around 3am Friday morning.  I didn't sleep at all that night because I couldn't help but think of themes presented on the show.  In one episode Will has a fight with his father.  George (Will's dad) states that he wishes Will didn't have a hard life, and that if he had the choice, he would wish for Will to be straight.  

It was one of the most touching episodes to watch in my opinion.  It becomes unfortunate that this fight is the last memory Will has of his father as George has a heart attach a few days later. I cried not because the television show was depressing, but because I realize my own situation isn't a golden bridge.  

Both my father and my mother have the most difficult time accepting me, and it is really starting to affect the way I view my own sexuality.  I've been having thoughts lately that maybe I am suppose to be somebody I am not.  I can not shake the fact that my mind is traveling in numerous places and to be completely honest... I am lost.  I thought I had everything figured out and it could be my emotionality of the show, but honestly I can't figure out what I am.  

I'm scared right now.  I yearn so badly for the stories I watch on this show that I'm afraid I am setting myself up for disaster in the real world.  I sit at home alone most nights, and never do anything to change it.  I know it is my own fault and that I should put myself out there...literally talk to other guys.  I just don't feel anything lately.  

That was a little bit of tangent, but it ties into right now.  Two hours ago I watched the final episodes of Will & Grace and realized that I have closed a chapter in my life.  Sure I will continue to watch the seasons, but I finally have the closure I have been waiting for.  I know how their story ends, and now I want to figure out my own.  

This leads to the next sad factor of today.  I had a great weekend in St. Louis.  I spent entirely to much money and had a great time with my friends, but when I returned to work this evening I was informed that a young first year student passed away in the Hall I work in last night.  

It occurred to me that there have been numerous deaths around me, and for the first time in a while I have no clue how to respond.  I don't have words of consolation to say, nor do I have any religious affiliation to make things seems better.  

Now the part that I'm in denial about.  I care about people, and I think that shows, but I'm having a lot of trouble in one of my relationships, and that is the relationship with my mother.  I have begun to worry about her well being as her relationship with her best friend puts more strain on her life than I could imagine.  I'm getting sucked in and don't know how to get out.  My mother seems powerless in her situation, and I tell her that she is the only one that can fix it, but the reality is that her resources are slim.   

People make mistakes no doubt, but why do we become blind.  My family is starting to "fall" apart.  On the outside layer I feel we exemplify a typical nuclear family.  However, the reality is that my family lacks the experience to communicate effectively.  Sadly, I do my best to teach by example, but nothing seems to break old habits.  I'm beginning to fall into the "normalities" that my family has used since I can remember.  Needless to say I blame myself at times, but also try to separate myself and say that I have a chance to be something different...something better.  

Sexual identity crisis, accepting parents, death, financial insecurity, and the end of Will & Grace....these things combined have utterly ruined this day glorifying the message that rainy days sometimes send...

thanks for reading

Favorite Things...

I recently started feeling better and decided it would be nice to a make a list of the things I love.  

I'm to lazy to actually write them out here but I did make one.  I realized through doing this that my list should either be bigger or contain things that are not so superficial.  Then I thought, "they make me happy though so why should it matter?"  I can't really say whether this was a good activity or not, but I will write some of my favorites.  

The look on a man's face while holding a baby 

The little girls you dance with at weddings 

Falling into bed and floating through a dream 

Looking into the eyes of someone you love 

Laughing uncontrollably over the most idiotic things 

These just don't happen everyday and I wish they did.  This year is ending in a little over a month now and I can't believe it.  I'm going to be a senior already....crazy feeling.  I'm in a mood right now in which I cannot pin point, but oh well I say.  I'm going to make dinner watch a movie and cuddle on my couch...by myself.  It's okay though...I'm banking on the fact that someday there will be somebody there with me. 

Bla Bla Bla...Potatoes

I shock myself when illness creeps into my life.  I shut down and become an entirely different person.  Four people in the past hour have said I look like shit (which is to be expected) but instead of saying, "I hope you feel better" they all comment on how I need to turn back into myself.   It is incredibly funny to me.  I don't know.  I have little to say about my life right now other than I am bored, sick, and lonely at work.  Sorry for this wasted space because I honestly had no point to make. 

I made mashed potatoes last night for dinner...they were not that stellar but still home made which is always nice.  GOD I LOVE FOOD!! LOL.  

Yellow is still my favorite color and one of my favorite things to do is record myself dancing or dance to Empty Apartment with my soul mates....good times.  

I LOVE NOT MAKING SENSE!!! GAHHHHH

Alright peace out

I have never seen anything more beautiful!  It was at the moment I took these that I realized how amazing our world is. 

Take a minute to breathe today and feel weightless.  It is quite the gratifying feeling!  

It is when I watch true love stories that my mind begins to question who I really am.  I feel in constant struggle  with my emotional well being and it pains me to say it, but I always feel so alone after movies like "The Notebook."  

I watched that movie tonight and for the first time I saw its true beauty.  I never really took liking to the film when it was first released but now after watching it I feel so bitterly sad about my future, yet so full of love I could burst.  

A single tear ran down my face in the ending scene.  When I watched the movie years ago a single tear ran down my face at the end of the movie.  I think I have loved numerous times, but I have never felt the kind of connection I felt with this film tonight.  I want so badly to find someone and I'm starting to second guess myself on a lot of things. 

I don't know who I am suppose to be with and it drives me nuts.  I know I have the ability to love somebody whole heartedly, but I also know that I will have to work extremely hard because I am stubborn, selfish, egotistical, and immature at times.  

Rachel McAdams is timeless to me and the relationship she has with Ryan in the film is spectacular.  I'm jealous I'll admit, but is it possible for two men to love each other the way they do.  I have never seen any relationship in my time last a life time other than my grandparents.  When the two pass in the end of the movie I'm confronted with the realization that soon my grandparents will pass.  

Today in about 9 hours my grandpa is having kidney surgery.  He has cancerous cells on the only kidney he has left and the doctors are not sure what they are going to find.  I'm concerned that something could go wrong, or that this may be the beginning of the end.  I just can't imagine my grandmother being alone without him.  I don't know what is going to happen, but I know one thing for sure.  They have loved each other their entire lives.  

I too hope I can find someone who completes the wholeness that Rachel's character spoke of, but until then I need to find a way to feel more confident in myself.  I hate heart break for anyone...when my friends ache so do I.  

This blog makes little sense other than the fact that I want to fall in love and be happy.  I wonder how long I will have to wait...or if I really am meant to be alone.   That was a completely cop out comment, but I feel it right now.  

I'm not upset or mad currently, but I am sad.   I shouldn't be because their are so many great things going well in my life right now.  I'm grateful for sure but anxious to figure out what happens next in my story...

stay tuned...

Bedding

It is the simple things in life that keep me so motivated for the future.  

Tonight's gleaming ray of hope and desire: 

Nothing is more thrilling than washing all your bedding.  I washed my mattress pad, sheets, and everything.  I also pressed them and made my bed into a thrown.  I have taken my shower and brushed my teeth and feel so clean.  It is such a gratifying feeling to lay on clean sheets with a fresh body and drift into a peaceful sleep early in the evening.  

My new motto:  Devote time to yourself thus ensuring you are getting the time and things you need to live.  

I'm highly inspired tonight...why???  (because I cleaned my sheets...thats why)

SADDNESS

It is amazing the high one can be on and then have it taken away so quickly

I found out today that the slate I was running on chose me as a token piece in the student body. Having me on the slate would ensure the "gay" population vote.  Of course I have other qualifications to bring to the table, but I couldn't morally and ethically allow myself to be a member of this group.  

I withdrew my candidacy today at 3 and although bummed about the entirety of the situation I still haven't processed all the information.  

I'm letting go of the best opportunity ever handed to me, but it was handed to me for the wrong reasons, and after conversing with some of my close BSU friends, I made this decision because it felt right.  I'm so frustrated that I would be taken advantage of, but hey...it's politics right...right?  

I know the slate meant well, but I can't grasp some of the decisions being made.  In the past twenty four hours I helped tweak a platform of 20 planks, and every time I had a comment, it was brushed off.  As a team, a campaign should work together for a common goal.  As I told our presidential candidate that I realized that my heart was already out of the experience.  The campaign was shady in places and could seriously jeopardize some peoples jobs.  I can't put my name on something like that.  I am as honest as I can be.  

I'm sorry for those of you who read the previous post.  There are still great things to be done, but just remember that just as something wonderful comes into your life, it can be taken away.  

BIG NEWS

Alright folks...you are all getting an unofficial look at what is going to be changing my life come Monday.  

Friday morning around 1:30 AM I received a secretive phone call saying that there was an amazing opportunity being offered to me.  I was sleeping during the ring, but heard my message tone go off and decided to wake up and listen.  I don't usually get calls at night so I thought something might be wrong.  After listening to the message, I returned the call to a young woman who called me to find that I was suggested as a prime candidate to run in the Student Government Association at BSU.  I was given a deadline of 5PM today to decide if I would accept the nomination that is still hidden under wraps till Monday morning at 9 AM.  In the next week I will be campaigning with a fantastic set of student leaders as "Cardinal Coalition." Competing against two other strong slates with amazing candidates that I consider friends, I have my work cut out for me.  To be 1 of 4 individuals who serve as the face of Ball State is a sincere honor, and being considered is amazing in itself.  Not only is this a time commitment with huge benefits, but also this position insures a solid networking connection with many important individuals, one being the president of the university.  

There is a lot to this process and as I begin the journey I will be posting some interesting press articles and media coverage.  This is quite possibly the biggest thing to ever happen in my life, and I want to share it with the few that read these post.  I will post links to our campaign site as well as offer stories from the front line.  I'm sincerely thrilled for the opportunity, nervous for the outcome, and scared of myself.  This will truly be a time for growth in my journey to become a better leader as well as prepare me for future endeavors. 

On another exciting note, I was informed today that I will be the "Special Events Chairman"  for Ball State's Homecoming Steering Committee 2009.  One of my favorite things at Ball State has now become even better as I am in charge of planning the entire event next fall.  I start next Sunday and couldn't be more thrilled. 

Lots of great things going on....hope I can find time to sleep.

P.S. I'm working right now and I am so BORED!! LOL

Have a great week everyone. 

Lets put it this way

Definitions are never finite. Happiness is what you make of it. Arguments are healthy when executed correctly. Fighting is never the answer.

It is time to take control and responsiblity for our actions.

Live the life that you have imagined. (Thanks bud)

I'm genuinely happy and don't know why. I have sad days, I have tired days, but I know one thing:

When the sun shines and the tender rays caress my face I feel more at peace with myself. It is a feeling I hope everyone finds. A calm serenity envelopes my soul and for a split second I feel nothing but the sheer satisfaction of living. Breathing in life....

I encourage the few who read my post to consider letting it go....whatever "it" may be. At the end of the day what matters most?

For me my family, my friends, and my future are what matter most. I'm letting go of the past, going to live in the present, and enjoy encourtering the road ahead.

New Beginning?

Today was the first day of classes back at BSU and although I have had roughly a week to acclimate myself with the surroundings in Muncie, I feel more displaced than usual.  I haven't been sleeping well and find myself starring at the ceiling at night asking myself, "am I alone, do I like it here, can I handle this, why wont my eyes freaking sleep?"  It becomes frustrating when you want to do something so badly, but don't have the means or heart of accomplishing that task effectively, and perhaps that is my issue currently. 

I don't know why I muster some of the plans I do, but I feel like there is a greater plan for me. Something big is out there, whether it be an employment opportunity, an educational opportunity, or just the world waiting for me to discover its' surface.  I'm not ready to let go of the past, but I deeply yearn to encounter my future.  

As I sit in my apartment alone sometimes, I truly believe and feel that I may perhaps never be with someone nor will I have children.  People always tell me that is a crazy thought, but I do know a few individuals in there 50's who have went their entire life basically alone.  The more I look at them the more I respect them.  Sometimes I honestly feel that although I have plenty of things to offer another individual, I'm still to selfish to give myself completely to somebody...especially after being hurt.  The idea is dreadful to think about sometimes, but being alone is not so bad when you have great friends.  

Oy with the Poodles Already

Sometimes I become incredibly mystified with the people around me.  It certainly is not anger, nor is it haste, but I find an incredible fascination with how people communicate with each other. I was never one to understand the link become public speaking and fear, but I find that today the common trend is to express deep desire and feeling over drawn out instant message conversations or text messaging. 

Nine times out of the ten computer mediated communication is never successful and although that sounds incredibly scripted from a text book, the fact of the matter is that it is true.  It is better to come to a realization when you are hitting in head on AND in person.  Looking someone in the eye conveys such a more realistic outcome rather than not knowing EXACTLY what the content means within context.  

I don't just study communication because I'm good at it, I study it because it is the thing I practice most and care most about.  I will never fully understand why I commit to numerous relationship because in a way it keeps me from fostering more rich connections with my closest friends.  However, without my craving to meet new people and explore myself I fear I might become bored with the monotony of my everyday life.  Right now I like the plethora of people I spend time with.  They all bring different excitement and fulfillment into my life.  I've come to the realization that I am and probably always will be a social butterfly. 

My point is that with most all relationships I'm involved in I keep solid interaction through the use of good, solid, and effective communication methods i.e. face to face, telephone conversations, lunches, etc.  texting and AIM, although entertaining and informative, don't foster positive response when dealing with certain subject matter.  I'm not saying they are completely ineffective because that would be a lie, however my personal experience with confrontation and coping with such stress is best solved through a simple chat in person.  

Yes, it is never easy to look somebody in the eye when you bear bad news, but it is also never appropriate to ease your way around the truth through banter online.  

The truth hurts no doubt, and all to many times my friends have kept me in check with myself. No one is perfect so don't lie to yourself and do what is right.  The answers might not ever be clear but follow your gut and act on whatever situation you find yourself in.  Over analyzing can lead to trouble and it doesn't only waste the time of those around you, but it eats away a part of your soul that could have been devoted to optimism.  

I hold my optimism close because at the end of the day I always realize that without any of the awful things in the world that I dislike and hate, there would be no room to see the beauty and opportunity that surrounds my life on a daily basis.  

B