Exhaustion

It has been an incredibly long day.  Although full of highly inspirational moments I find myself utterly exhausted from everything.  It was a huge family day starting with helping my sister at 7 in the morning and it is just now starting to wind down.  

Seeing Garret (my two year old nephew) always makes me so happy and as he lays next to me right now trying to fall asleep I have become very doubtful in my abilities to be a good parent.  My heart is big enough to love a child fully, but this little guy has worn me out.  I'm constantly worried about his well being and I am so intrigued by his childhood innocence.  He truly completes a lost part of my heart.  I love spending time with him and today was really a great bonding day.  He is so pure and wonderful, but like I said before, it is just so real to be the only one taking care of him tonight and considering my situation it makes the reality of single parent adoption even more terrifying.  

Had a great talk with an old friend today about how things in life never pan out the way we want them to, but looking at the reality of most situations, angers and stress are almost always inevitable in some shape or form.  What matters the most is how to move on and learn from the past.  I'm beginning to understand that the truth really does hurt sometimes, but more importantly that lying pains the soul even greater.  I'm sick of waiting on resolution that in my heart I know will never come.  

more to come

B

Coma

It is interesting to feel so numb.  I can't decide whether my heart is allowing itself to be open or whether it has shut its valves to the world.  I laugh, I cry, and I sit in silence and wonder when everything is going to be okay.  Is it?  I feel so at ease with the world yet so discontent with my surroundings.  I am one lucky man.  My support systems could be put up against anyone because I am so confident in the people that keep me inspired.   

I certainly am beginning to feel more weak as time passes by.  Physically, my body is letting me down.  Perhaps I am letting me down.  How is it that I have reconstructed my life beautifully, yet at the end of the day feel so torn apart?  Surely it can not be him.  Nothing even happened, yet still I feel at a lose.  I have no reason to act this way when the people that mean the most to me are going through much more difficult times, but still it pains my heart to think about it.  The little steps I am taking seem to help, and the support of certain people really eases the painful process, but I hope this subsides soon.  

I got many wonderful gifts today, my favorite was probably the nerf gun my mother bought for all the male children.  We played with them and for the first time since I can remember my brother and I bonded and laughed together.  I love my family and the relationship I have built with them.  Even with my neurotic mother and entertaining sister who both drive me nuts, I love them whole heartedly along with my brothers, Mandie and of course Garret.  

I imagine what my future will be like and have no clue what it holds, but I'm preparing myself for adulthood in a new capacity.  It feels nice to sit back and enjoy the laughter of a child, the soft fur of a bunny rabbit, the numerous calls from distant friends wishing each other a merry christmas, and of course it feels good to be home.  Although I get bored, being at school is to tense sometimes, and now I have nothing to do but be lazy and collect memories with my dearest friends.  

Regardless the sad feelings I occupy, I know everyday has a smile that awaits my face.  Knowing that I have the gift of laughter really brightens my thoughts and reassures my hopes that everything will truly be okay.  

I titled this coma because I'm still full from all the food I have consumed today and feel as though I am stuck in "food coma."  

Merry Christmas & Warm Regards

B

For What It Is Worth...

Lately, the buzz around my social circle is one of two things.  Either you are in love or you are shamelessly without it.  Regardless of ones stance on the four letter word that tends to control our lives, when did I become so dependent on it.  I'm now going on my eighth day of no correspondence with him (minus a text regarding safe travels back home, which he was clueless as to who the sender was).  I thought that this would be a lot more difficult for me.  I spent numerous hours with him and never cared to do anything else, and now with that opportunity in front of me, I have no clue what to muster.   

I no longer feel the need to search for something that is not there.  This could be a good thing or a bad thing.  A part of me has given up hope for the time being that I should be with somebody.  I have taken the time to be spontaneous and meet a couple new men with interesting qualities that make me laugh and for now that will suffice.  I can't however continue to dwell on the past.  It always hurts, and inevitably friends are brought down in the process.  This holiday season is feeling sparse for some reason and I'm not sure how to make it better.  

Immerse myself with my friends, spend time with the family, and eat large amounts of food....that is what I always do and I always feel fulfilled.  Right now however I don't.  

Maybe I don't understand myself, but lately I have felt more authentic about who I really am.  I'm not good at being gay, I really do love to sing in my car, and I can't imagine living anyway but alone.  I'm at my happiest in social settings around children, and deeply want that innocence back.  I've come a long way over the years to feel this much heartache during the holiday season.  My friends are down to and the combination is no fun.  There must be something that can distract the pain and heartbreak of being alone without someone this holiday season, and as I search for it I hope the adventure brings treasures to last a lifetime.  

Warm Regards

B

Intro

I've begun a new chapter in my life this past semester and for that reason I have left Xanga behind in search of a more "adult" blog.  Attached are some of my most recent post that have been transferred.  

Everything posted below this introduction is based on a relationship I will never truly understand.  It is not much, but the words written below are scattered thoughts from the past which will always serve as an endless reminder of the semester my life changed forever.  

My journey began with the realization I needed help coping with my past.  Four months after self discovery I've come out on top with my life back and a more authentic attitude towards optimism and character.     

This blog will serve as an outlet of self expression and discovery as I learn and accept my journey through the world around me.

Acceptance

Today marks the first day that I haven't contacted him and he hasn't contacted me. In no capacity for the first time since February we have not spoken, written, or texted anything. I don't know how feel right now. A part of me knew from the beginning that he would never be the friend I wanted him to be. Subconsciously I think I knew I couldn't be the friend he needed. Providing for the needs of a friendship is difficult when you fall in love with someone. It happened to me and for the longest time I believed that it was okay. I put my heart on the line thinking that no matter what the outcome, I would be fine because I was honest with everyone around me and myself. 

As the hours passed today, I found myself disappointed in both our efforts to end things on a better note. I convinced myself that I would do whatever it took to keep him in my life because a part of me knew that he was the most fantastic man I had ever met. We don't understand each other. I face my emotions head on and because of it I am vulnerable to self expression. He is emotionless to the public, but I fear behind closed doors he hits emotions head on with nobody there to comfort him. I will never understand how this ending took place the way it did, but when a friend asks for their things back, what went wrong? 

Seven weeks ago I confessed a romantic feeling in which I had no control over, and now looking back on the disclosure I realize I was wrong all along. I loved the idea of him more than him. His ability to bring others down is unattractive, and I had to convince myself that it was a ploy to act tuff and sound with his quality of life. From what I have observed, we just cope with emotions differently. He pushes away and runs while I chase because I don't know how to let go. I've let my barrier crumble numerous times over this friendship because I truly believed one day he would realize I had something great to offer, and now he will never have that opportunity....nor will I. 

I've considered what I could have done to maintain healthier boundaries for us because whether he understands it or not boundaries are crucial in all relationships. That is one thing I have learned through my personal journey to self discovery this semester. Being honest is the best policy. However one must be willing to suffer the consequences of such honesty that can be intimidating, selfish, and sometimes heart felt. Regardless the outcome of what I expressed neither of us were able to control the course of friendship took. I can't change the past and I understand that, but I can control the future. 

In the twenty four hours I haven't talked to him, I'm back to where I was and loved. My house is clean, my candles are lit, and my friends are there to support me just as they always have been. Still, I miss him....I really do. No matter how much the situation bothers me, I will never truly understand why my words hurt, or why he wouldn't talk, or why I couldn't listen. At some point you learn to accept that past and grow from it in hopes of becoming a stronger person. He provided a security in my life and that is why I became attached. He however, does not attach his feelings to the individuals around him leaving him lonely in his world. I know he wouldn't agree with that, but I see it in his eyes and I feel it in his silence. 

We both are at loss in my eyes. I sincerely hope he feels that he lost something that could have been the best thing to ever happen to him, but I know he questions the entirety of our friendship. I never meant to mislead him, shame him, or disrespect him, but in the end I'm guilty on all accounts and so is he. Any relationship with two people, whether romantic or not takes work from both parties, and in this case neither of us were willing to work to maintain the success and integrity of our friendship. I'm giving myself time to cope, time to relax, and time to part away from what I became so accustomed to. 

What happens after that I'm unsure of for now. There is a lot of factors that keep this relationship from being over, and I'm going to have to learn how to cope with that. Day one...down. My lifetime...still counting. 

Clueless

My friends tell me that I am stupid for letting myself fall this hard, but when he hugged me last night...I felt whole.  We took the friendship to the next "level" if you will because for the first time we acknowleged that we don't touch much.  We hugged and had a blast.  He introduced me to his friends and I felt like i was accepted as somebody who was important in his life. 

I attempted to sleep next to a man last night for the first time in my life.  I will never forget that nervous anxious feeling I had almost all night.  I didn't sleep much because I was scared of vulnerable.  I used to ask myself how to seperate my past from the present and last night as he rested his head on my arm I thought to myself, "how can I let my past keep me from moving into my future."   I know he is the one for me.  I want to hold him, and for somebody who always wanted to be held, I'm ready to let go and let god as they say in AA. 

His snore, the way he looks in sweat pants, the smile he rarely uses, his sense of humor, his eyes, his devotion to family, his devotion to himself....they all thrill me.  I made sure to breathe him in yesterday because I least I know I am the best friend he has ever had.  I told him it takes time, and time is all I have.  I think in time things will become even better.  People see us together now, as friends, pals, two guys who have a stellar friendship.  I'd much rather be his friend then lose him.  He's staying at BSU for grad school and I couldn't be more thirlled/nervous. 

I want to stop the worry and just let myself enjoy the process of living on my own and growing up.  I'm ready to take a leap and although my previous post are mostly the negative aspects of this relationship, I assure those who read these post that he is great, and we are great together.  Stop bitching Brandon and let yourself go....

Time

There comes a point when you realize it is not worth the fight anymore.  He will never love me. I truly feel I have become a crutch or some meaningless person in his life. Maybe I lied to myself from the beginning or ran from the reality. I tend to be a pro at that. Regardless, I'm in the friend zone and I'm sick of acting like his boyfriend, but introduced as "Brandon." He doesn't even introduce for that matter to any of his friends. He is a heartbeat from meeting my mom. He doesn't like me. I know this, and I promise to try my hardest to let him go. What I fear most is losing a great friend. Maybe one of my best. 

He once stated that it takes time, but I'm a firm believer that you just know from that initial moment. I knew from the moment I set eyes on him the first day of class spring semester 08 that I was going to fall in love with him. I never realized I would let it effect me this much, nor did I think I would feel so empty.   My life is good. I am happy. He makes me sad. Relationships should never be like what we have. It is so deep to me, but empty on his end. He feels nothing for me, and I remain devastated. I thought I had the world to offer, and now I feel that if he doesn't want it, I have nothing to give. If this is what love and heartbreak feel like I don't ever want to like anyone ever again. 

Finding reasons to hate him is so simple. I can't hate him though because deep down inside he is the only man I have ever truly loved.   For what it is worth I have learned a lot about myself, how to be assertive, and stick up for what I believe. If all crumbles in the next few weeks (because I expect it will) I will still have my friends, family, and me. I'm stronger today and don't need to be dependent. I liked the ideal for a while of sharing a life with him. It now feels depressing to think about.

How Do You Change The Present

I bring this upon myself. I spend numerous hours waiting for a confession that I am beginning to fear will never come. Being patient is difficult to say the least. It has been 9 days now, and I don't know what to expect. 

Earlier in the year we discussed how when we were with someone, we would want to cook together in the kitchen and be all cute. Tonight we made a nice dinner, together, in a kitchen, with cute written all over it, and nothing was said. Our dinner conversation was awkward at times. I hate what is happening. Are things getting weird in the bad way that breaks friends apart. I thought we were doing well. I hate not knowing when, knowing why, or knowing how.  The more I think about it, the more I realize how unromantic our story is. We met in class, and he thought of me as the "hey girl hey" boy, talked about me to his roommate and for the longest time I was somewhat of a joke. From the minute I laid eyes on him I was attracted to him. He was stunning and different, unlike any man I had ever been around. I never imagined he would actually give me the time of day to talk. 

Looking back on all those IM conversations I realize now that he was just talking to yet again another guy. We still talk online, but he actually sends me pictures of the men he dreams about at night. He does this after I told him I had romantic feelings for him. What kind of message is he trying to send. Tonight was the perfect romantic date except it wasn't. Something just was not there, and I truly feel it was his heart. He is learning to play with mine I fear. 

I'm in danger of weakening some of my friendships here at Ball State because of the amount of time I spend talking about him. I can't even go one day without thinking what it would be like to be together. I want the chance and opportunity to see what it is like to have a boyfriend, and he is the only person I have wanted to try with. I don't romantically seek interest from any of the gay community at BSU. 

I don't like to party anymore because I rather stay in and watch movies with him, I don't like spending time with anyone else, and when I do I talk about him. I hate doing school work because it goes so fast and in May he will graduate and be gone. I hate feeling powerless. How can you accept someone who doesn't accept you? I'm having trouble liking him right now because I'm trying to find reasons to not fall in love with him. I hate that he will never love me, and I fear my heart is beginning to break...again. 

This can't be good...how did I let it get this way?

What Do I Deserve

This is a great device when weighing the pros and cons of a relationship. I'm able to reflect my random thoughts without concern. Everyone could see this if they knew how to find me, but sometimes I like being hidden from the world. The reality sinks in that I may just be another normal human being. Humans tend to think they deserve the best. I made the comment that I DO deserve the best, and upon reflecting on that I realize all to quick that the best is roughly defined. What determines perfection, and who is asking for it? I thought last Thursday, which I will always remember, was the first time I gave into my fear, felt nerves I didn't know existed and put my heart on the line to be broken. 

August 10th @ 2am is the day he will always remember. The day he lay looking at the man of his dreams asking to spend the rest of their lives together. A simple thumb ring became a beacon of hope for love not to die. Thursday, November 13, 2008 9:30pm...I confess I've fallen in love only for both of us to remain broken inside. 

My life is better now. My life is broken though. I dream of the nights I can hold him close...the touch of his lips on mine. The fear of watching him leave is so real, and after every film ends I wonder if we will too. Expectations are cruel to me because I lack the ability to leave them behind. Deep down, I know he isn't the one for me, yet in my head as I write those defying words, I feel he is the only one. August 10th has me beat. First love leaves a burn so deep nothing can heal the wound....his is still fresh, and it has been years. 

What saddens me the most is to think about the future if he ever did feel we could be together forever. At that moment he builds the courage to ask, sadly I would wonder if he thinks back to the night he had it all planned. Like a dagger in my heart, a tear is shed from my swollen eye in pain of lost love. I never will be good enough for him. Why do you I want it so badly. Why can't he see the wonderful things I have to offer...or do I. 

What happened to me in the past is so different. I have come to terms with it as much as possible. Spending time with him however makes the process of allowing emotion into my life difficult. I have almost become numb to my surroundings and tend to ask myself what I'm doing. Sitting here at 21 on a couch all alone seems normal, but lonely. I could be home with my family, but would I be happy. I could be back in my job around 60 young men who need help, but would I be happy. I could convince myself that he is the one for me, but am I willing to work? 

Am I willing to be honest that I still have secrets hidden from the world...hidden from myself? I want him to yearn for the love and satisfaction I can give. I want him to grab my face softly and give me a tender kiss. I want to look in his eyes, feel his pain, and release it, giving him hope in the future. I want to be his everything, and still after a huge confession, he doesn't understand. 

I'm a little stronger then I thought I was, but I'm still vulnerable and easy to break. If this doesn't work, even with nothing happening, will I crumble? When he leaves in May, will I be able to cope with him leaving my life, perhaps for good? There are so many questions about this relationship that are left to be unanswered and I can't handle it. I want to know the answers. I want to know the truth. I want to know love, but I want to know love with him. 

Pull Away

When I pull away he notices and complains. Yet when he clearly sees that I am upset, he does nothing to fix it.  It is a lose/lose situation. If I tell him how I really feel, I lose a friend and my dignity. If I don't tell him how I feel, I lose the chance of knowing whether he could ever love me. 

I'm not asking for love, but to know the truth would be nice. Who am I kidding here? I'm the lier. I have never been this unsure and untrue to myself before. I can't focus on school work, I can't make this work, I can't continue going on like everything is okay, when it is not okay with me. 

Stop telling me about the men in your past who you wish you could have back. Wake up and smell the coffee and realize that although I'm not physically attractive like them, I will care for you whole heartedly.  Im fun, fresh, and full of life, and I want to share that with you. You will never know the fear in my heart because you spend so much time fixated on the past. They don't want you. They left you, and although that is harsh and painful to hear, it is the truth, and I rather be honest with you because in the end, it is better late than never to express the true feeling you have inside. 

I'm not as musically talented as you, but just like you if not more, I feel it. 
I'm not as handsome as you, but just like you, I have things to offer. 

I'm not everything you hoped to have, I'm more. 

Spending time with you is the most fulfilling thing I do these days, but I'm getting bored with same talk of men. Tell me something new and real. Make me laugh like we used to. Let the others go because in the end, I know that I am the very best thing that could ever happen to you. You say you don't have friends like me. Let me be your best friend. The one you come home to at night and vent to. Let me be the one who comforts your every need and loves you more then any other person can.   I'm ready to try. I'm not ensuring success with this one because I know it will be the hardest thing I will ever have to work for, but for heaven's sake, give me the gratification of wanting what is best for you. I may not be positive what that is right now, but I know one thing: I care about you. 

Off You

I keep falling for love but I can't seem to follow it through.-duke My emotions with him are hot and cold. I don't know what I'm feeling. 

Currently, I know that I would be comfortable with him. Just to sit next to him at night on the couch and watch T.V. feels right. His presence is something I crave, yet his jokes are starting to affect the way I feel about him. Weight jokes get old after so long...I like who I am and although I could be more physically healthy, I don't need him to point it out. 

I threw a punch his way today with some hurtful words that I can't even believe came out of my mouth. The words got to him and the rest of our day was a little off. For the first time, I wasn't everything he thought I was, or that is how I perceived the situation. 

Maybe the ideal of him is what I crave rather than actually having it. In theory I already have him.....I spend more time with him then any of my other friends. I might be in the "storming" stage right now though. I'm almost getting annoyed with him...make up your mind already man!! 

Maybe I have just convinced myself I've been in love when really I've been wrong all along.-clay

Titles Blow

I've never been good at writing/expressing my emotions. I'm what my friends would call a drama queen. Everything has to be dramatic for me. It is all I have ever known I guess. I wish I was like a dear red headed friend of mine who writes some fucking poetic things, but it is not who I am. That being said I want to take time to express some thoughts on my current life events. 

I suck at politics, but I'm all for Obama. McCain can suck my left gay nut! Marriage is a huge part of my future and that man will do anything to bring the GLBT community down. I hope my political future becomes more knowledgeable, but for now I will continue on with the facts I know. 

I hate having romantic feelings for which I am powerless to control. He has me wrapped on a string. I can't go a day without talking to him and freaking out. I couldn't tell you if it was love, but I can tell you I smile a lot. I have excited feelings inside, and he makes me happy. He isn't good enough for what I have to offer. We are so different, we are so far away, yet we connect on some cosmic level. He is meeting two of my best friends soon...I'm nervous. I want them to see the man I see, the cute, funny, sarcastic man that has stolen my heart. It is so trivial to think that this has happened to me. At this time, when I never could have seen it coming, yet wanted it so much. 

On a even better note, I was tested for HIV for the first time and the results were negative. I have never been more relieved in my life. I also have never been so genuinely scared. In one second because of a single word on an official document, my life could have been forever changed today. I have taken so many things for granted, yet today I remained emotionless when the result was given. I want to do so many things with my life and the motivation just hasn't been there. I want to finish school (why do I want to go to grad school), and I want to start a life. 

Everything I think and feel when I write on this blog is so interesting. I'm scattered brained and neurotic, but that is who I am. I love the person I am becoming because for the first time in a long time I am feeling more like myself. I fit into the shoes I am wearing. 

Here is a little away message that I really liked. A friend wrote it and I was impressed. 

"You loved me first, but I've loved you longer.
Does that mean I win? Or that I'm still losing?"

Come Home, Come Home

It never occurred to me how difficult it is to be in a real relationship. Over the past month I have examined my past with a therapist and here is what I have come to realize. Everything, every man, every instance in which I thought "love" was present, I now realize is not so. What happened sophomore year might have been real at the time, but after repressing the memory, everything I once knew was manipulated.

Fact: I have never been in a real romantic relationship with a another man. 

After coming to this realization, it has become obvious that I am starting to want the opportunity and shot at what people call the best feeling in the world. However, I don't know the feeling, I don't know how to detect it, or feel it. I have become numb to my own emotions in attempt to focus on everyone around me. In the process I have lost myself.   Low self-esteem is what my therapist points to. When I think about it, it is true. I'm not content with my body as a gay man. I constantly find things that irritate the shit out of me, and yet I do nothing to change them. I have become bored with myself and I want to care again. 

This leads me to relationships. One in particular. He is charming, handsome, and for the first time ever, I'm falling for him. He genuinely wants to spend time with me, but just as friends, and has pointed out numerous times that no one at Ball State will fulfill his need for companionship. I like that, sadly. I don't want to like him...at all. I do. That is okay with me as long as I remember to maintain the integrity of our friendship. Ultimately that is what matters most to me. 

I'm in major denial! Im jealous when he looks at other men, yet I become disgusted by his ability to be so sexually driven. He is a narcissistic, self-centered, and selfish man. Countless times he has said he hates blonde hair and blue eyes (both of which I possess), yet I can't pull away. I still find him attractive, and hate that he has this much control over my emotions.   He doesn't know my true feelings, nor to I have the confidence to tell him for fear of being hurt.   Tonight we worked out, I became bitter and realized I deserve better then someone who wont notice me. I'm alone, but for the first time in a quite a long time, I feel confident in choosing that path. It is not always fun, and no I don't want to be without a roommate, friend, or boyfriend forever, but for now I will suffice. It just in not time yet to commit to something that I'm can't be fully invested in. 

I want to live, I want to learn, and I want to remain passionate for life. Im starting to feel alive because I am working through my past, but at the same time I feel so dead inside. The show I put on will never end I'm quite positive, but perhaps in the future it will be based on a true story. One about dedication and hard work to find the man I am becoming. 

Looking for What?

Tonight began the journey of my second year as an RA at BSU. Suddenly it hit me during a small meeting with the other returners that I was in way over my head. It is difficult to do something that your heart is not fully committed to. 

Recently I met someone who I will admit makes me happy. Not so much recently as last semester, but we have become a lot more close over the summer. As it stands right now we are friends. There is nothing else nor is there expectation that anything can/will happen. For the first time in a long time though, I feel like someone is giving me attention in a "romantic" way. 

I know that my Sophomore year of high school was crazy with what happened with Chris. Still to this day I have difficulty letting it go. It is starting to come out more often about the mistake I once made. My sister and brother in law now know, as well as many of my friends, and after tonight, my bosses.  Out of no where, I became highly emotional after my directors realized I was not myself. It hit me that maybe Student Affairs is not for me. That once again, I have loved something, then became bored with it. That I shouldn't have to sit around in a 12 X 16 ft room with a roommate as a Junior and be miserable with my life. 

I haven't had a break from school this year because my summer was occupied with an internship within housing at BSU. This summer was a huge downer for me. I spent a lot of time alone, and have nothing to show for it other then a broken bank from going out to drink. I don't know what I am expecting to do with the next couple of months whether it be resign my position and move on from this sadness, or whether I have simply hit another rough spot that in time will wear itself out. I have my good and bad moments, but most of the time I find myself missing my friends from home. Their pictures on my desk taunt me on a daily basis. 

I'm starting to feel as though I am neglecting myself. However, I don't know what I need to do to change it. The counseling center is a great option at this point I think. My pride just wont let me go though. How could I become so misunderstood that I don't understand who I have become? I don't want to feel babied by those around me, and I certainly don't want people to worry, but I feel like people don't trust me as much as they should. 

I feel like a complete ass for being so emotional tonight with my directors. It is the first day and I am already a mess. I cry all the time, and I have no reason, but "its nothing...I don't know, its just me." What is wrong with me? I ask myself that so many times and I find no resolution. It almost makes me angry. Then I think about how anger is never the way to take care of my problems because lets face it, I'm not an angry person. 

Sometimes people tell me that I don't always have to be the smiley one in the room. How I don't "need to be the light that all the insects flock to," but honestly I do. It is what people expect out of Brandon...to be silly, flaming, crazy, etc. I love to smile...it is one of my favorite things to do, but lately the smiles have been limited, and I just want to become someone else. 

I want to be someone who can be quiet and not get disturbed. Someone who can be manly, masculine, and not the queer that many think I am. I want to be healthier and not go home every time to family that ask me about my weight. Is this depression? Is this transformation? Is this the rest of my life. Everything is starting to feel monotonous to me and I hate that feeling. 

Perhaps I will get a sign soon...till that happens, I guess I will settle for what I have now, which lately feels like nothing.