Clueless

My friends tell me that I am stupid for letting myself fall this hard, but when he hugged me last night...I felt whole.  We took the friendship to the next "level" if you will because for the first time we acknowleged that we don't touch much.  We hugged and had a blast.  He introduced me to his friends and I felt like i was accepted as somebody who was important in his life. 

I attempted to sleep next to a man last night for the first time in my life.  I will never forget that nervous anxious feeling I had almost all night.  I didn't sleep much because I was scared of vulnerable.  I used to ask myself how to seperate my past from the present and last night as he rested his head on my arm I thought to myself, "how can I let my past keep me from moving into my future."   I know he is the one for me.  I want to hold him, and for somebody who always wanted to be held, I'm ready to let go and let god as they say in AA. 

His snore, the way he looks in sweat pants, the smile he rarely uses, his sense of humor, his eyes, his devotion to family, his devotion to himself....they all thrill me.  I made sure to breathe him in yesterday because I least I know I am the best friend he has ever had.  I told him it takes time, and time is all I have.  I think in time things will become even better.  People see us together now, as friends, pals, two guys who have a stellar friendship.  I'd much rather be his friend then lose him.  He's staying at BSU for grad school and I couldn't be more thirlled/nervous. 

I want to stop the worry and just let myself enjoy the process of living on my own and growing up.  I'm ready to take a leap and although my previous post are mostly the negative aspects of this relationship, I assure those who read these post that he is great, and we are great together.  Stop bitching Brandon and let yourself go....