Tonight began the journey of my second year as an RA at BSU. Suddenly it hit me during a small meeting with the other returners that I was in way over my head. It is difficult to do something that your heart is not fully committed to.
Recently I met someone who I will admit makes me happy. Not so much recently as last semester, but we have become a lot more close over the summer. As it stands right now we are friends. There is nothing else nor is there expectation that anything can/will happen. For the first time in a long time though, I feel like someone is giving me attention in a "romantic" way.
I know that my Sophomore year of high school was crazy with what happened with Chris. Still to this day I have difficulty letting it go. It is starting to come out more often about the mistake I once made. My sister and brother in law now know, as well as many of my friends, and after tonight, my bosses. Out of no where, I became highly emotional after my directors realized I was not myself. It hit me that maybe Student Affairs is not for me. That once again, I have loved something, then became bored with it. That I shouldn't have to sit around in a 12 X 16 ft room with a roommate as a Junior and be miserable with my life.
I haven't had a break from school this year because my summer was occupied with an internship within housing at BSU. This summer was a huge downer for me. I spent a lot of time alone, and have nothing to show for it other then a broken bank from going out to drink. I don't know what I am expecting to do with the next couple of months whether it be resign my position and move on from this sadness, or whether I have simply hit another rough spot that in time will wear itself out. I have my good and bad moments, but most of the time I find myself missing my friends from home. Their pictures on my desk taunt me on a daily basis.
I'm starting to feel as though I am neglecting myself. However, I don't know what I need to do to change it. The counseling center is a great option at this point I think. My pride just wont let me go though. How could I become so misunderstood that I don't understand who I have become? I don't want to feel babied by those around me, and I certainly don't want people to worry, but I feel like people don't trust me as much as they should.
I feel like a complete ass for being so emotional tonight with my directors. It is the first day and I am already a mess. I cry all the time, and I have no reason, but "its nothing...I don't know, its just me." What is wrong with me? I ask myself that so many times and I find no resolution. It almost makes me angry. Then I think about how anger is never the way to take care of my problems because lets face it, I'm not an angry person.
Sometimes people tell me that I don't always have to be the smiley one in the room. How I don't "need to be the light that all the insects flock to," but honestly I do. It is what people expect out of Brandon...to be silly, flaming, crazy, etc. I love to smile...it is one of my favorite things to do, but lately the smiles have been limited, and I just want to become someone else.
I want to be someone who can be quiet and not get disturbed. Someone who can be manly, masculine, and not the queer that many think I am. I want to be healthier and not go home every time to family that ask me about my weight. Is this depression? Is this transformation? Is this the rest of my life. Everything is starting to feel monotonous to me and I hate that feeling.
Perhaps I will get a sign soon...till that happens, I guess I will settle for what I have now, which lately feels like nothing.
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