Come Home, Come Home

It never occurred to me how difficult it is to be in a real relationship. Over the past month I have examined my past with a therapist and here is what I have come to realize. Everything, every man, every instance in which I thought "love" was present, I now realize is not so. What happened sophomore year might have been real at the time, but after repressing the memory, everything I once knew was manipulated.

Fact: I have never been in a real romantic relationship with a another man. 

After coming to this realization, it has become obvious that I am starting to want the opportunity and shot at what people call the best feeling in the world. However, I don't know the feeling, I don't know how to detect it, or feel it. I have become numb to my own emotions in attempt to focus on everyone around me. In the process I have lost myself.   Low self-esteem is what my therapist points to. When I think about it, it is true. I'm not content with my body as a gay man. I constantly find things that irritate the shit out of me, and yet I do nothing to change them. I have become bored with myself and I want to care again. 

This leads me to relationships. One in particular. He is charming, handsome, and for the first time ever, I'm falling for him. He genuinely wants to spend time with me, but just as friends, and has pointed out numerous times that no one at Ball State will fulfill his need for companionship. I like that, sadly. I don't want to like him...at all. I do. That is okay with me as long as I remember to maintain the integrity of our friendship. Ultimately that is what matters most to me. 

I'm in major denial! Im jealous when he looks at other men, yet I become disgusted by his ability to be so sexually driven. He is a narcissistic, self-centered, and selfish man. Countless times he has said he hates blonde hair and blue eyes (both of which I possess), yet I can't pull away. I still find him attractive, and hate that he has this much control over my emotions.   He doesn't know my true feelings, nor to I have the confidence to tell him for fear of being hurt.   Tonight we worked out, I became bitter and realized I deserve better then someone who wont notice me. I'm alone, but for the first time in a quite a long time, I feel confident in choosing that path. It is not always fun, and no I don't want to be without a roommate, friend, or boyfriend forever, but for now I will suffice. It just in not time yet to commit to something that I'm can't be fully invested in. 

I want to live, I want to learn, and I want to remain passionate for life. Im starting to feel alive because I am working through my past, but at the same time I feel so dead inside. The show I put on will never end I'm quite positive, but perhaps in the future it will be based on a true story. One about dedication and hard work to find the man I am becoming.