Acceptance

Today marks the first day that I haven't contacted him and he hasn't contacted me. In no capacity for the first time since February we have not spoken, written, or texted anything. I don't know how feel right now. A part of me knew from the beginning that he would never be the friend I wanted him to be. Subconsciously I think I knew I couldn't be the friend he needed. Providing for the needs of a friendship is difficult when you fall in love with someone. It happened to me and for the longest time I believed that it was okay. I put my heart on the line thinking that no matter what the outcome, I would be fine because I was honest with everyone around me and myself. 

As the hours passed today, I found myself disappointed in both our efforts to end things on a better note. I convinced myself that I would do whatever it took to keep him in my life because a part of me knew that he was the most fantastic man I had ever met. We don't understand each other. I face my emotions head on and because of it I am vulnerable to self expression. He is emotionless to the public, but I fear behind closed doors he hits emotions head on with nobody there to comfort him. I will never understand how this ending took place the way it did, but when a friend asks for their things back, what went wrong? 

Seven weeks ago I confessed a romantic feeling in which I had no control over, and now looking back on the disclosure I realize I was wrong all along. I loved the idea of him more than him. His ability to bring others down is unattractive, and I had to convince myself that it was a ploy to act tuff and sound with his quality of life. From what I have observed, we just cope with emotions differently. He pushes away and runs while I chase because I don't know how to let go. I've let my barrier crumble numerous times over this friendship because I truly believed one day he would realize I had something great to offer, and now he will never have that opportunity....nor will I. 

I've considered what I could have done to maintain healthier boundaries for us because whether he understands it or not boundaries are crucial in all relationships. That is one thing I have learned through my personal journey to self discovery this semester. Being honest is the best policy. However one must be willing to suffer the consequences of such honesty that can be intimidating, selfish, and sometimes heart felt. Regardless the outcome of what I expressed neither of us were able to control the course of friendship took. I can't change the past and I understand that, but I can control the future. 

In the twenty four hours I haven't talked to him, I'm back to where I was and loved. My house is clean, my candles are lit, and my friends are there to support me just as they always have been. Still, I miss him....I really do. No matter how much the situation bothers me, I will never truly understand why my words hurt, or why he wouldn't talk, or why I couldn't listen. At some point you learn to accept that past and grow from it in hopes of becoming a stronger person. He provided a security in my life and that is why I became attached. He however, does not attach his feelings to the individuals around him leaving him lonely in his world. I know he wouldn't agree with that, but I see it in his eyes and I feel it in his silence. 

We both are at loss in my eyes. I sincerely hope he feels that he lost something that could have been the best thing to ever happen to him, but I know he questions the entirety of our friendship. I never meant to mislead him, shame him, or disrespect him, but in the end I'm guilty on all accounts and so is he. Any relationship with two people, whether romantic or not takes work from both parties, and in this case neither of us were willing to work to maintain the success and integrity of our friendship. I'm giving myself time to cope, time to relax, and time to part away from what I became so accustomed to. 

What happens after that I'm unsure of for now. There is a lot of factors that keep this relationship from being over, and I'm going to have to learn how to cope with that. Day one...down. My lifetime...still counting.