For What It Is Worth...

Lately, the buzz around my social circle is one of two things.  Either you are in love or you are shamelessly without it.  Regardless of ones stance on the four letter word that tends to control our lives, when did I become so dependent on it.  I'm now going on my eighth day of no correspondence with him (minus a text regarding safe travels back home, which he was clueless as to who the sender was).  I thought that this would be a lot more difficult for me.  I spent numerous hours with him and never cared to do anything else, and now with that opportunity in front of me, I have no clue what to muster.   

I no longer feel the need to search for something that is not there.  This could be a good thing or a bad thing.  A part of me has given up hope for the time being that I should be with somebody.  I have taken the time to be spontaneous and meet a couple new men with interesting qualities that make me laugh and for now that will suffice.  I can't however continue to dwell on the past.  It always hurts, and inevitably friends are brought down in the process.  This holiday season is feeling sparse for some reason and I'm not sure how to make it better.  

Immerse myself with my friends, spend time with the family, and eat large amounts of food....that is what I always do and I always feel fulfilled.  Right now however I don't.  

Maybe I don't understand myself, but lately I have felt more authentic about who I really am.  I'm not good at being gay, I really do love to sing in my car, and I can't imagine living anyway but alone.  I'm at my happiest in social settings around children, and deeply want that innocence back.  I've come a long way over the years to feel this much heartache during the holiday season.  My friends are down to and the combination is no fun.  There must be something that can distract the pain and heartbreak of being alone without someone this holiday season, and as I search for it I hope the adventure brings treasures to last a lifetime.  

Warm Regards

B