I bring this upon myself. I spend numerous hours waiting for a confession that I am beginning to fear will never come. Being patient is difficult to say the least. It has been 9 days now, and I don't know what to expect.
Earlier in the year we discussed how when we were with someone, we would want to cook together in the kitchen and be all cute. Tonight we made a nice dinner, together, in a kitchen, with cute written all over it, and nothing was said. Our dinner conversation was awkward at times. I hate what is happening. Are things getting weird in the bad way that breaks friends apart. I thought we were doing well. I hate not knowing when, knowing why, or knowing how. The more I think about it, the more I realize how unromantic our story is. We met in class, and he thought of me as the "hey girl hey" boy, talked about me to his roommate and for the longest time I was somewhat of a joke. From the minute I laid eyes on him I was attracted to him. He was stunning and different, unlike any man I had ever been around. I never imagined he would actually give me the time of day to talk.
Looking back on all those IM conversations I realize now that he was just talking to yet again another guy. We still talk online, but he actually sends me pictures of the men he dreams about at night. He does this after I told him I had romantic feelings for him. What kind of message is he trying to send. Tonight was the perfect romantic date except it wasn't. Something just was not there, and I truly feel it was his heart. He is learning to play with mine I fear.
I'm in danger of weakening some of my friendships here at Ball State because of the amount of time I spend talking about him. I can't even go one day without thinking what it would be like to be together. I want the chance and opportunity to see what it is like to have a boyfriend, and he is the only person I have wanted to try with. I don't romantically seek interest from any of the gay community at BSU.
I don't like to party anymore because I rather stay in and watch movies with him, I don't like spending time with anyone else, and when I do I talk about him. I hate doing school work because it goes so fast and in May he will graduate and be gone. I hate feeling powerless. How can you accept someone who doesn't accept you? I'm having trouble liking him right now because I'm trying to find reasons to not fall in love with him. I hate that he will never love me, and I fear my heart is beginning to break...again.
This can't be good...how did I let it get this way?
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