Coma

It is interesting to feel so numb.  I can't decide whether my heart is allowing itself to be open or whether it has shut its valves to the world.  I laugh, I cry, and I sit in silence and wonder when everything is going to be okay.  Is it?  I feel so at ease with the world yet so discontent with my surroundings.  I am one lucky man.  My support systems could be put up against anyone because I am so confident in the people that keep me inspired.   

I certainly am beginning to feel more weak as time passes by.  Physically, my body is letting me down.  Perhaps I am letting me down.  How is it that I have reconstructed my life beautifully, yet at the end of the day feel so torn apart?  Surely it can not be him.  Nothing even happened, yet still I feel at a lose.  I have no reason to act this way when the people that mean the most to me are going through much more difficult times, but still it pains my heart to think about it.  The little steps I am taking seem to help, and the support of certain people really eases the painful process, but I hope this subsides soon.  

I got many wonderful gifts today, my favorite was probably the nerf gun my mother bought for all the male children.  We played with them and for the first time since I can remember my brother and I bonded and laughed together.  I love my family and the relationship I have built with them.  Even with my neurotic mother and entertaining sister who both drive me nuts, I love them whole heartedly along with my brothers, Mandie and of course Garret.  

I imagine what my future will be like and have no clue what it holds, but I'm preparing myself for adulthood in a new capacity.  It feels nice to sit back and enjoy the laughter of a child, the soft fur of a bunny rabbit, the numerous calls from distant friends wishing each other a merry christmas, and of course it feels good to be home.  Although I get bored, being at school is to tense sometimes, and now I have nothing to do but be lazy and collect memories with my dearest friends.  

Regardless the sad feelings I occupy, I know everyday has a smile that awaits my face.  Knowing that I have the gift of laughter really brightens my thoughts and reassures my hopes that everything will truly be okay.  

I titled this coma because I'm still full from all the food I have consumed today and feel as though I am stuck in "food coma."  

Merry Christmas & Warm Regards

B